You know that little faceless wooden doll that folks used to sketch body shapes? Or those nude models at figure drawing class that invited the artist to render accurately the human form?
Yeah. Neither of those two options were employed by the artists of the following covers.
Sarah: His face is shaded for inaccurate identification in a lineup, and her neck is eeeextra long to make strangulation nice and easy. But what’s really peculiar is her belt, which seems to be around her ribcage. That’d be much better for strangulation, sir.
Bonus snark from Sarah’s Hubby: “After the Roses, I will SNAP your HEAD OFF.”
Candy: Looking at the cover alone, I’d guess that the story tells the sordid tale of what happens when Pinnocchio grows up, realizes that wood doesn’t have a conscience, develops an unnatural taste for sawdust and starts stalking mannequins that were used in JC Penney circa 1985.
Sarah: His head, judging by the position of his arm, is growing out of his sternum. And again, the neck is long enough for some serious bling to go with that unbuttoned shirt.
Candy: Look, when people mention a dude’s endowed like a stallion, they’re generally referring to the size of his cock, not the length of his freaking neck.
Sarah:: How many times was his mouth redrawn? Can this man even talk for himself? Or does he communicate by pursing his lips and grunting?
Or maybe that pen he’s holding is an attempt to communicate something, something very, very small.
Candy: Hey, look, Steve Buscemi has a smarmier, pastier, tubbier younger brother!
Sarah: One, I see an ass cheek. Two, she has no torso. Does she have a liver? Is there room?
Or is she a little person? Her arms appear to be a standard length, but her abdomen is quite stunted. Folks on Discovery Health Channel would have a field day making a movie out of this condition: “When your torso is too short, and your ass hangs out of your jeans: The Deirdre Story.”
Candy: You know why she doesn’t have a liver? Because she’s about to chew right through this dude’s face and claim his for her own. Damn, that is one scary-ass look on her face. Somebody needs to ‘splain to her that cannibalism means she doesn’t throw in with the laws of God and man.
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OMG!!! Why is Ray Liotta trying to strangle Linda Evangelista?
Re: Third cover.
Candy: Hey, look, Steve Buscemi has a smarmier, pastier, tubbier younger brother!
Nah, that looks more like Michael J. Fox’s smarmier, pastier, tubbier, younger brother.
The fourth one looks like some guy is seducing the loud, stuck-up, half-Jewish-but-doesn’t-want-to-admit-it-because-it’ll-affect-her-popularity, “I think I’m so great because my daddy’s rich”, sixteen year old cheerleader of the local high school.
The second one doesn’t look too bad, but that’s not to say it’s great, either.
And the first one...does look like Ray Liotta strangling Linda Evangelista (I know who the first person [Liotta] is, but not the second [Evangelista]).
Before I go, it’s Shameless Plug time:
I, Lauri Doublevie, have a blog. I would like to have it listed as one of the blogs on this site because it has the same snarky humor as this site.
Here’s my link: http://ldoublevie.blogspot.com/
First dude really does look like she’s about to choke him some chicken neck.
You bitches should be ashamed, making fun of that model with spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia tarda. It’s a heartbreaking condition that… that… well, will limit her future cover modeling career, at least.
Spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia tarda (SED tarda) is a condition in which the trunk is shortened due to the predominant deficiency in the growth of the bones of the spine (vertebrae). The neck is also short. This condition is usually not detected until between 5 - 10 years of age and primarily affects boys. (And believe it or not, I actually went to school with a girl who had this. Wonder if that’s her on the cover?)
So there. I can’t seem to find a genetically caused long-neck syndrome, though.
That first woman looks like Carey Lowell (Mrs. Richard Gere, late of Law & Order.) What I can’t figure out is why Random Thug #2 from Starsky & Hutch is trying to strangle her.
Is it my bad eyesight or does Mr Services Rendered have glowy pink fingernail polish on the fingers holding the small pen?
Wow, peering closer, it does look like he’s got a very prety manicure…
Issues with “Dedicated to Deirdre” that have not yet been addressed:
1. The fact that the girl has very dark skin on her upper body - arms, face - yet her legs are… pink. Very pink. Very PALE. She’s Latina on top and Milk Maid on bottom! Best of both worlds!
2. The guy resembles my uncle. In a bad way. In a creepy, pedophilic sort of way. Does anyone else here think he looks way too old for her?
Am I the only one who thinks there is something horribly wrong with the guy’s arm in the first cover? The proportions are inversed - the underarm should be the thinner-looking half of the arm, not the other way around! Ack. The artist must have skipped the class on foreshortening.
This is Linda Evangelista. She was a popular model in the early 90s, strutting her skinny ass for a few George Michael vids before falling victim to (what else?) anorexia and cocaine - and, apparently, Random Thug #2.
after the roses lady has something hideously wrong with her torso and it’s not just the belt. There’s two of her in there.
The guy on the second cover looks like Ted McGinley.
I forgot to mention that.
Ray Liotta? What? That’s Every-Non-Famous-Guy-Who-Was-Ever-On-Alfred-Hitchcock-Presesnts. Please show ENFGWWEOAHP some respect.
After the roses comes asphyxiation, obviously. I’d be nervous it I were that turkey-necked bitch.
BTW, ain’t nobody in the UNIVERSE looks like Steve Buscemi. (You get on with your bad self, snaggle-tooth!)
The “Cinderella Twin” of that dude obviously resides on the preceding cover.
On the plus side, After the Roses does have a perfectly lovely built-in bookcase in the background.
Hey, some of us short-waisted women don’t see anything too very odd about that first picture. (sob!)
“After the Roses, I will SNAP your HEAD OFF.”
Yeah. I liked this story better back when it was “Mother May I Sleep With Danger”
It just hit me that For Services Rendered guy looks like Jim Bakker in the eighties. Tell me that smirk isn’t for Jessica Hahn!
Deirdre’s black head and pink leg say one thing to me--bad Photoshopping. There is really no need for the poor girl’s head to be pastede on yay.
Your comments are hilarious! Love it.
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No comments on the covers, but having never read Lorette Chase and hearing your gushing, I’m going to get me some! By whatever means necessary:)
Dude, I hope Tumperkin wrote the Nico entry :)
From The Smart Bitch Silver Anus Purple Prose Contest: The Entries!
Oh man that cover is something awesome.
What What + Waterfall = 911 call
(friends 45, how many friends you’ll need to pull you out of the deep end of the pond after trying this stunt)…
I was very tempted by #1, as the purple prose was very...purpley. #4 gets the vote for the “what what” though.
Honorable mentions to the...well the rest, because damn and oy, too too funny.
From The Smart Bitch Silver Anus Purple Prose Contest: The Entries!
Beefwhistle - HA! Crisco coated brown cauliflower - I think I gagged and laughed at the same time! And poor, poor Vishous...actually, that really should be poor, poor Butch!
We didn’t get the “In yur ass, savin’ yur…
From The Smart Bitch Silver Anus Purple Prose Contest: The Entries!
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08.31.06 at 03:13 PM |