Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the logistics of the second cover. She’s not kneeling, but since I can’t find her left leg, I can’t tell how she’s standing. Some kind of advanced yoga pose? And they’re on only a slight slope--is he really that tall and/or is she really that short? Or...??

Hey, is the guy in that second cover Rob Camilletti, Cher’s bagel boy? It totally looks like him.

I love covers like these, I really do. Except that last one where it looks like the guy is performing an unnatural act with her dress.

I would be really, really happy if there was a kite on the end of the ribbons in the first two covers.  What you don’t understand in that the ribbons are each a couple of hundred feet long.

I swear I think I actually see nip on that first one.

And my 10 mo old just looked at the second one and giggled.  He’s developing good taste already, I see.

On that first one, where are they? Rocky mountain high? She lost her shoe at Base Camp #2 and the rest of the expedition’s been killed. Oh noes!

Where is that shoe? I want to read it just to find out. I’m getting a barefoot and pregnant vibe.

It’s morning here, and my blurry morning eyes read the tiny blurb on the cover of Confessions of a Viscount as ‘The delicious pose will keep you away.’ Yep, they got that right.

What amazes me about these covers is that as well as the men being short of shirts, none of the women can afford corsets or undergarments, other than the occasional petticoat.

I can’t seem to wrap my brain around the logistics of the second cover.

The hero is so manly and strong he can carry her entire weight with just a gentle hand on the small of her back…

As a curly haired brunette.... all I have to say about the first two is, there is no way those curls would have existed before gel and hairspray. I still remember my hair before I discovered them .... I refer to that look as the atomic poof.

And did jeans exist in the days of pioneer dresses?

truth96.... speaks for itself doesn’t it ;)

That second picture should be LOL-captioned “BLOW JOB: UR DOIN’ IT WRONG.”

And that last one...anybody else ever watch Passions? Looks to me like TJ’s temper is getting the best of him again.

(That’s some gorgeous hair on the woman, though.)

White dude with ebon mullet seems to have lots of splainin’ to do. Two redheads and a blonde in compromising positions?  Whoa.  Hoping for his sake one of those ladies doesn’t have the temperament of, say, Lorena Bobbitt.

Re: pose in number 2. He hasn’t got his arm wrapped around her, just his hand on her back. Perhaps he’s got a fistful of the back of her bodice? Er. That would work if she’s “as light as thistledown”. (A heroine must never have mass, after all.)

And about the leg? Um.... well.... if she had just the one, she’d weigh even less? Pass.

Someone has to work ebon mullet into their next book. Priceless!

If we can have “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels,” can we have “A Chance at Love with Lando Calrissian?” And then use that cover as the PR image?

I dunno, I kind of miss those days.  When a cover was a cover and bigod you knew exactly what you were getting!

But the snark is always delicious, so thanks for taking it for the team.

And why oh why oh why do the heroines have RED HAIR like 80% of the time in romance? No offence to my ginger sisters, but come on… it doesn’t happen THAT often. And yeah, occasionally it’s teamed with alabaster skin, but most of the time red hair goes with freckly skin, blotchy skin. (hell, I’ve got brown hair and my skin’s blotchy too - happens to all of us)

SICK OF BLOODY ‘AUBURN’ HAIR!

Hulk smash!!  Hahahahaha.

Like Lorelie, I’m pretty sure that I see nip on #1.  (And why does her facial expression read as “guppy-like”?)

I’m a bit more concerned with the poor heroine in #3, though, who, despite her youth and supine position--a position that I usually find the most flattering to my not-so-gravity-defying breasts--appears to be wearing hers somewhere around her naval.  Is she malformed?  Is it due to a tragic decolletage accident?  Was she built by Picasso?  We may never know.

According to a Jean history page, denim and jean (a type of twill from Genoa) were both used in making work pants as early as George Washington’s day.

In 1872 Levi Strauss started making copper-riveted “waist overalls.”

So the jeans are not nearly as disturbing as the fact he’s wiping himself off with her dress.

Love the cover snark! Cleavage-a-licious!

(my code is Blood18, which is something you don’t see enough of on romance covers, even the vampire ones)

Is it just me, or are the two people on the first and second covers the same two people? Maybe A Warrior’s Taking was Deliciously Wicked?

“A Chance at Love with Lando Calrissian?” And then use that cover as the PR image?

ha ha ha! You’d need a Colt 45 in the photo cos it works every time!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pK5HmuCMBM

Oh boy! You guys had me at rock-hard thews!

Okay, Cover 1: She is wearing one golden sandal. Ouch, and… where did the other one go? Also, the dude in that cover looks like he got an arm transplant from that golden armband to his forearms. I mean, that is totally a different person’s forearm photshopped on there. It’s hurting me.

thank you for cheering me up-I’m crying now… :)

I love the background image for the first one, but wtf is with that guy’s torso? He looks like he’s trying to emulate those Egyptian paintings, with his feet one way and his torso another. Ow! And who decided to give her only one shoe? I can only conclude that they wanted her barefoot but the ground was too hot, so they compromised.

As for the strange height differential in the second one - He must be standing on stilts, surely?

(And as an aside - why do romance heroes all have to be 6’6”? Where are all the short romance heroes? I’m only 5 feet tall, and I want a hero I can reach without a stepladder. *grumbles*)

I would be really, really happy if there was a kite on the end of the ribbons in the first two covers.  What you don’t understand in that the ribbons are each a couple of hundred feet long.
Hee! I photoshopped one in just for you:

Homeboy’s armband in the first cover must be a little too tight based on the bulging veins in his lower arm and upon seeing the fourth cover, my first thought was “Why is he adjusting his junk?”

Thanks for the laughs.  I lurve the hundred foot ribbons. Why don’t they (the women) just float away like balloons--er-- umbrellas?

The kite is fabulous, Danielle!

Homeboy’s armband in the first cover must be a little too tight based on the bulging veins in his lower arm

It’s for the roids don’t you know. I wonder if he was one of the guys outed in Jose Canseco’s new book.

When I saw #3, the combination of the author name and the cover dude resulted in an automatic reaction that will probably only be funny to geeks:

Leeerroooooooooooyyy Jenkinnnnnsss!!!

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leeroy_Jenkins video: ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkCNJRfSZBU]

Okay, so I fail at links.

Leroy Jenkins wikipedia entry

Leroy Jenkins video

Thanks, SonomaLass! It was fun.

In the last one it looks like the guy’s gathered up a handful of her dress to wipe off a...ehr...spot in his groin-area. No wonder he looks annoyed, must’ve been embarrasing.

Kite!  You made me so happy.

Where the hell are Leroy and his girl going dressed like that? She’s...all Gone With the Wind, and he’s stuck in bad jeans all shirtless. Speaking of GWTW, did she sneak off from the manor house to get some lovin? Something’s really screwed up here…

Looking at the A Chance at Love cover, the first thing I thought of is:

“Whoah. Ouch. I’m so glad Zoe decided to go with Wash instead.”

Hmmm, was Gina Torres a cover model before getting hired for Firefly?

Cover #2 - the height differential?  Perfect BJ height, just sayin.’ And a BJ bestowed by a one-legged heroine?  Priceless. 

Cover #4 - What says “love” like jacking off with your woman’s dress?

First one:  Hey, leave curly girls alone!  :-(

Second one: Am I crazy, or is the perspective way off on that one? Is she STANDING??? Unless she’s actually meant to be a little person—then I applaud the creators’ inclusiveness.

Third:  I think someone actually wore that dress to my prom.  In hot pink and black.

Fourth: Okay, that one might be taking the hair thing a bit too far.  *is totally not envious*

(LOL—“hard87")

Thank you. I needed this covers.

But tsk on you for all the mock, mock, mock. Why don’t you ever these poor models some credit for the obvious pain they’re suffering for their Art. Warrior’s Taking girl? Her toes are beyond ballerina pointy --that has to cause major cramps. Ditto the dude’s chest muscles on Deliciously Wicked. It’s got to hurt to flex so very much and get them bulging for more than a second or two.

And you don’t even see the bald spots where the wind machine snarls the tresses and yanks hanks right out of their heads. Real Art. Real Suffering.

I’ve been staring at the second cover for a good five minutes, trying to tell whether or not I can actually see the heroine’s nipples.  Anybody else?

Clinch covers are where bad 80s prom dresses go to die.

Also bad 80s prom hairstyles.

Why you gotta’ be hatin’, Candy?  Because girls just wanna’ have fun! (In their flirty and frilly off-the-shoulder dresses in a color NO ONE looks good in.)

And Emily, I had the same reaction - they *do* look like the same two people.

My question is where does model #4 get her hair done?  Or does she have the fiercest weave in the west?

Oh maybe it’s a paranormal romance and the heroine has gone back in time with a huge stock of no-lye relaxer so she can be the next CJ Walker.

Why do these women all look like their hair is flowing not just from their scalps, but from their necks and shoulders as well?  What is this, Savage Sasquatch Love?

#2. . .
Apparently he stops waxing at the elbow.  I mean, those are really furry forearms.

Or maybe he borrowed them from the transplant victim on #1.

I have to say this as an aspiring writer.  One thing that scares the shit out of me is that one day my book will someday be published and...and… I’ll be too embarrassed to even admit it because of laughable crap covers like this.

I will never ever ever submit to Avon.

As a curly haired brunette.... all I have to say about the first two is, there is no way those curls would have existed before gel and hairspray. I still remember my hair before I discovered them .... I refer to that look as the atomic poof.

As a curly haired...em...I guess it’s mostly strawberry blonde, I can reasure you, curly hair can look like that in the blonde and red colors--blonde and red hair is finer than brunette (in general), so the curls will work differently. If I oiled my hair daily (a little olive oil will go a long way, followed by a progression of combs from wide to narrow tooth) and took the time on it, I could accomplish the look. I never, never, never use gel or hairspray on my hair. It’s way too fine and even a half a dime sized dollop of anything on my hair will smush it flat as a pancake. Can you say “Looks like a wet seal”? ;-)

On the other hand, however, it most likely would not be that long. Fine hair + brittleness of natural curl + weight of the curls = shorter hair. Mine won’t grow anywhere near my waist. It just naturally stops somewhere around my bra strap.

And did anyone else notice how long that woman on cover 1’s foot is? Sweet jebus, what size shoe does she wear? Is that why the one she’s still got sort of looks like a drag queen shoe? Well, a tacky drag queen shoe; most of my queenie friends wouldn’t be caught dead in plastic mules....

Why do these women all look like their hair is flowing not just from their scalps, but from their necks and shoulders as well?  What is this, Savage Sasquatch Love?

Especially Lady #2.

And the only thing I can think of when I look at cover #4, other than the delightfully pleasant contrast between his Sears jeans and her costume from her high school’s production of Little Women, is how often she must get migraines. That’s why she’s closing her eyes - her vision is spotty, and she’s about to puke. Her hair is THICK and goes down to at least her ass.

And if you look closely, someone did a terrible job with the scissors - the hair around her face and at her neck looks like it’s shorter than the longer hair...that’s coming...from...somewhere. (Follow the ends close to her head and see where they originate.)

Spam word: Lower21. You can’t go much lower than 21 and still be legal.

My question is where does model #4 get her hair done?  Or does she have the fiercest weave in the west?

I think maybe she borrowed some we-sha-sha from a Cassie Edwards heroine...either that, or she found the sacred spring of Dark & Lovely No Lye.

I love these covers!  But what’s up with the kite?

Cover #3 transfixed me because I swore I could see the Viscount’s lady’s hoo-hoo.  That dress is cut WAY too high. Of course, given previous observations about how her breasts are hanging freakishly low, perhaps people seeing her vajajay is the least of her worries?

As for the 4th cover, he looks more like Passions‘ Chad than T.C. Which automatically made me fear that his gorgeously coiffed ladylove is a he/she ala Vincent/Valerie.  Maybe it’s not his own manly juices he’s wiping off with his/her dress?

Security word:  “income24.”

I’LL BET.  Hehehehe.

#1, #2: Are these not the same models? Also, how exactly is Redhead #2 standing? And since most redheads I know, including me, have extremely coarse hair, how is she keeping her hair from frizzing?

#3: The way her shoulders are posed, she looks like she’s having a back spasm.

#4: The jeans didn’t bother me; Levi’s jeans were first produced in the 1850s. What bothers me is that he seems to have had a head transplant.

It’s not the woman’s foot on Warrior’s Taking that looks abnormal to me - an averagely-proportioned person’s foot should be about as long as the distance from their elbow to wrist. That may seem too long at first glance, but it’s true.

So check out *his* feet. Dude, the boots are very Dread Pirate Roberts, but they have *got* to be pinching something wicked!

LOL @ Julia and Darkrose.

Yeah, it’d be nice to show a Black woman on the cover with actual Negro hair, but we all know that a Black woman canNOT be considered attractive unless she’s a pseudo White woman, hair an’ all.

I think we-sha-sha can be pounded and the fibers used as weave material.  Either that or Massa’s got a stable full of butt-nekkid horses.

And if you look closely, someone did a terrible job with the scissors - the hair around her face and at her neck looks like it’s shorter than the longer hair...that’s coming...from...somewhere. (Follow the ends close to her head and see where they originate.)

@ Erin

Too much relaxer we-sha-sha will do a number on your hairline.

second one: Ooh I tripped and grabbed your crotch. So sorry.

Last one..he totally looks like he’s grabbing his crotch and what is he so mad about? LOL

The woman in #4 has dislocated her shoulder and has a very deformed leg. Considering where her hips are, she’s got the longest thighs and must have a huge butt underneath all that flowing purple skirt. Granted the guy’s head is at an unnatural angle which suggests he has a broken neck, but that leg is way out there. Perhaps it’s acting as a brake to stop them both rolling off the mountain (check out the alarming slope of the background - the huge mountain range to the right just drifts away on the left...)

Planning73: I don’t think any kind of planning went into this painting.

I can smell the aquanet from here… and I am mesmerized by that hair.  I mean how do they hold their heads up???

Since I was bald all last month and only now have begun to crow about miniscule peach fuzz, I am hella jealous.  (See my blog.)

If them was real beyotches I’d track em down and skin em.  Make me a wig!

#1...I seem to remember reading somewhere that the “one shoe off” thing was a device used in Dutch master paintings ca. 17th century to imply loose morals in women, i.e. pregnancy.

Has anyone read this? Is there pregnancy involved? Does the cover artist have a rabid art history background, or is it dumb luck???

Kite!  You made me so happy.

Yay! Glad you liked. :)

Bwah! The kite is priceless. But what cracked me up hardest was the cover blurb, for some reason.

I don’t know what it is either, but it was crying out to be included.

Donna, I photoshopped the kite onto the cover because DS left this comment:

“I would be really, really happy if there was a kite on the end of the ribbons in the first two covers.  What you don’t understand in that the ribbons are each a couple of hundred feet long.”

And then I thought - those covers really *would* be improved with a kite! So I added one. *g*

Heroine with absurdedy big, absurdedly curly hair?

Hey, I resemble that remark!

That cover looks like my hair when I wash, comb and let it dry naturally. Actually, mine gets a little more Mary Pickford-y.

It’s funny you should say that about bridesmaid’s dresses since I wore an old bridesmaid’s dress the year I dressed as a romance novel cover model for Halloween.  Really!!!