Categories: Reviews by Author, A-C • Reviews by Grade: D
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by Candy • Monday, March 17, 2008 at 12:03 AM
Our Grade:
Author: Shayla Black
Publication Info: Berkley 2007, ISBN: 9780425217214
Genre: Erotica/Romantica
(Warning: Massive spoilers for this book lie under the fold, as well as a link to a LOLPORN photo. Read on at your own peril.)
Reading Decadent deafened me.
Have you ever had that experience before? You finish reading a book and you feel just a bit numb. Your brain is ringing the way your ears do when leaving a venue with a terrible sound system, after watching a band that’s far too fond of playing very loudly and not nearly fond enough of playing with skill. I haven’t read too many novels that do that to me, so I attempted to analyze why Decadent inspired that reaction, and what I finally figured out was this:
The book was written in such a way that its ideal narrator was the Summer Blockbuster Guy.
“This summer… An innocent beauty learns the price of earning the love she thinks she wants… is finding love in a place she never expected.”
“This summer… A hardened soldier of fortune discovers that gaining the girl of his dreams… means letting go of the girl in his past.”
“This summer… A girl becomes a woman… and learns she can preserve her virginity… by having anal sex with two men.”
146 comments •
Categories: Reviews by Author, A-C • Reviews by Grade: D
Categories: Reviews by Author, A-C • Reviews by Grade: D
So here I am, minding my own business, finishing a paper and sending it off and I decide to check out any new posts. Either I am hallucinating or that book actually exists. So I thank you , Candy, for the laughter and for saving ours lives by taking the metaphoric ass fucking of reading this book.
said on...Hilarious review! You owe me a new keyboard, though, ‘cause mine now has coffee spewed all over it.
said on...Now there’s a whole new avenue (heh!) to explore for guys who want to talk their girlfriends into having buttsex:
“Honey, I love you. Let me save your life!”
Also, LOLPorn!!!
said on...Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
Oh my. Sometimes, you hear about romance novels so crappy that you have to read them, just because it’s a challenge. But this? I’m not sure even I could read this, and I’ll read damn near anything once.
One word: crap.
Danielle said on...Her expression in the lolporn is hilarious. Hee!
It makes me wonder how in the hell they’d find out something like that. Does the dude have a Wikipedia page? If he did, I’d love to see his history/discussion pages, because god knows he’s one hot mess.
I love these reviews. So much.
I must say I’m somewhat squicked by Deke’s I-cannot-devirginise-you-so-surprise-buttsecks!, because (from the excerpt I’ve seen) he doesn’t stop to check if she’s okay with that first. (Or to add lube, either, come to think of it.) That’s not considerate or caring. Chalk a big minus mark in the hero column, imo.
omg. wow. just. wow. *blinking*
Way to, um, take one for the team, Candy. S’riously.
said on...I’m with Danielle on this. The virgin needs lube, dude. Of course, in comparison to the rest of the review, that is fairly minor I suppose. I hope you know that I have to find and read this book. I don’t want to call you a liar, but I can’t believe this book exists until I find it for myself.
And LOLPorn just made my morning. Seriously.
KTG said on...Okay, now that I’m pretty sure my neighbors heard me guffawing over here…
OMG! I have to read this book and then send it to people, so they can share in the WTFery!
LOLporn FTW!!!
And about Dick--er, I mean Deke--just ‘cuz a guy can’t get wood without another guy in bed, lurves buttsecks and is terrified of the va-jay-jay doesn’t mean he’s GAY. Why the hell would you even consider teh gay? It’s totally hetero!
If ever there was a book ripe for MST3K treatment or a drinking game (take a shot every time a character starts a musing with “Damn"), this would be it.
The Loinfire Club are right on it. We’ll send you results should we not die of drink first.
OK. I think the disclaimer of, you know, THIS IS REAL PRON, should come before the actual link so retarded readers, such as myself, don’t click prematurely.
Fuck.
I’m quite sure I enjoyed reading Candy’s review much more than I’d ever enjoy reading the book...much much more.
mlg - oops! Always read everything first before taking action. Even (or especially) with LOLPorn.
Speaking of LOLPorn; that poor chick - she’s like, “Um, dude? I think you missed.”
said on...Thank you for the witty, funny public service announcement- saving innocent romance readers from the awful.
“Was it good for me?”
How the hell can it be good for me when my sides hurt from laughing, there’s coffee sprayed on the monitor and the dog is barking hysterically ‘cause I look like I’m having fits at the keyboard?
Yes, just another typical Monday morning. With LOLPorn.
Oh how the mouse hovers over the lolporn link and oh how my finger hovers over the button.
I wanna click!
But I’m just hoping for a transfer from my job, not to get fired, so no clicky for me. :(
I loooked at the LOLPron. That’s a remarkably clean and new looking rug they are doing it on. Do you suppose this was shot in a discount store after hours?
Two erect fellas in her bed and just taking it up the butt?? That’s taking a female fantasy and turning it into .........a gay man’s fantasy? K-y jelly commercial?
You say this book isn’t written funny, I would say that NOW it is. Any of us read it, we’re gonna remember your review and yeah...you lubed it up good and its gonna slide thru funny like a....... well, you know.
I think I just fell in love with Ben a little bit. (I was already there with you, Candy).
And why isn’t there more LOLPorn? ‘Cause there should be. There really, really should be.
said on...“everyone would agree that that having a man stick his cock up your ass qualifies as “having sex” with him.”
Well, maybe not. Remember, a former President swore that oral sex wasn’t really sex.
Next on Entertainment Tonight!
Deke Trenton is not gay he just wants another man to blame.
said on...I can’t get over the ‘hero’s’ name Deke. Hockey fans will know that deke means to fake out another player, sneak past him and get the goal. Kinda adds a whole new level to the book for me lol.
I welcome you to cinnabar cavern
We’ve been expecting you
You bring such joy in cinnabar cavern
No matter where you stick it in know our love is true
said on...For me, I think the best part is that he doesn’t (apparently) put on a condom for buttsecks-
Announcement to the technical virgins of the world! The ass contains many a delicate tissue; really, you need a condom as well as lube for buttsecks.
Also, threesomes with a cousin are really a little incesty. I know romance novels tend to think its vegan-kosher to have sex with in-laws and adult step-siblings, but really, that is gross and people shouldn’t do that, even years later. That is automatic book-against-the-wall behavior.
The only thing I regret about the review is not having the book in my posession so I can throw it into the wall myself.
Perhaps if you posted a video of said book flying across the room and hitting the wall I could get my vicarious thrill that way.
said on...Dangit, I cannot click on the LOLporn, lest I get summarily axed from my job. Then again, that might not be such a bad thing…
At any rate, I just laughed myself silly, complete with wheezes and chokes. That is the saddest, SADDEST excuse for surprise buttsecks threesomes I have ever seen.
I’m going to have to seek out some Emma Holly to cleanse myself. (And THAT’s saying something...)
I’m supposed to be working, but I couldn’t resist clicking on the SB page one more time to take a second look at Candy’s review. I only had to read “Fucking her ass. Saving her life.” again to fall apart in helpless laughter.
Damn you, SBs! How am I supposed to get any work done?
I have to offer you my firstborn now. Take him. He’s yours.
*is dead from laughter*
Omg, my stomach! My lungs! I hurt! You have killed me with an od of crack!
said on...Or, how about…
Deke Trenton - he’s not gay, he just wants to know what his cousin’s penis tastes like.
(or fantasize about it while he screws some “virgin” up teh ass, but he’s worried that doing so will kill the man he loves!)
Oh, jeebus, Candy, you almost killed me. I was laughing so hard I could barely leave a message for Jenn Echols. “Call me… when you… get this...”
I love the virgin’s response to being taking like a greek boy. “Deke?” Because I know I get timid and wide-eyed when that happens to me.
So how is it practice for the double penetration if she won’t do the double penetration? Hmmm. Mysterious.
“everyone would agree that that having a man stick his cock up your ass qualifies as “having sex” with him.”
Well, maybe not. Remember, a former President swore that oral sex wasn’t really sex.
What if it was a cigar headed up that way?
*snicker*
Do you know, over the weekend I had a conversation with 4 adults (over the age of 30 for that matter) who hadn’t heard of the cigar aspect of all that?
said on...*Still dazed and stomach sore from all the laughing.*
I am so glad I was drinking coffee while I read that. (That life saving bit was hysterical.)
Wow. Just ... There are no words.
Candy, you deserve tons of credit. I’m sure you’ve saved many of us today.
Deke Trenton - he’s not gay, he just wants to know what his cousin’s penis tastes like.
Joanna, shut up. I can’t take any more of this. Too. Much. Laughing.
“Reading Decadent deafened me.
Have you ever had that experience before?”
Yes, with Jude the Obscure. But I don’t remember nearly so much buttsecks in Thomas Hardy. Damn him.
I’m at work, albeit in a fairly liberal environment, but I can’t wait to get home so I can see the LOLporn. Maybe I’ll have to borrow my coworker’s iPhone.
said on...You know, there are some books I’ll purchase just to see how bad they really are. But after the Carol Lynne phenomenon (just how many of her books did those bad reviews sell, I wonder?), I’m much more careful about even inadvertently sending a message of approval via purchase. This is one of those books I won’t be buying, especially after both your review and Jane’s.
Ok, so I had to prove to myself the book really exists. I went to Amazon. The review there...and I quote, “Though she’s saved herself for Jesse, Kimber soon learns that he’s not the man adept at stoking her aching, endless need. That’s Deke, and he can’t resist when Kimber begs for more-and more.” Also, this is a sequel! And finally, four out of five stars....
Victoria -
It’s ok...just relax the muscles and move into it, which come (hur!) to think of it is probably what Deke said to his cousin once they got rid of their “virginal” beard.
I know. I am very bad for doing this to you. I am not sorry.
said on...In all fairness to the book: there was lube (Luc had had a turn just before Deke, if I remember correctly, and I guess she was, uh, still juicy from that--ohgodnotthinkingofsantorum), and there were condoms.
Also: good point about having the warning about the explicit nature of the link BEFORE the link. I’m going to edit the review accordingly.
And in case anybody wonders about the true homogay content of this book: there’s none, at least textually. Which is part of what killllls me, because oh my God, Deke for the greater part of the book literally needs Luc there in order to get any bonin’ done, and you’d think the story could play with that, have some fun with it, but no. No. It’s because of the dead virgin. It’s always the dead virgins, man. When I start a punk band, I’m going to call it “Dead Virgins.”
said on...The Amazon site actually has 30 odd reviews for this.
Just google the title and author and it’s amazing at what reviews you will find.
It’s a whole genre I never even knew existed. Menage a trois.
So, does oral count as part of the DP???
anything84 to submit??
(Luc had had a turn just before Deke, if I remember correctly, and I guess she was, uh, still juicy from that
Wait, wait, wait. Then why did Luc cry out in horror, “What the hell are you doing?” Did he mean, “Back off, man, that’s MY hole!”
This stuff gets published when I can’t even find an agent?
Life is Cruel.
said on...Question:
If the heroine was a vaginal virgin (VV), can we assume that she was an anal virgin (AV) as well? And if she was an AV, Candy would you be willing to describe, briefly, the de-virgin(n)ing scene? Was it painless and orgasmic? Was there discussion about how the AV should be taken? Perhaps an argument Wherein Luc was in favor of the vaginal de-virginization and was finally convinced to go the other route by Deke’s emotional outburst of, “But man, I’m trying to save her freakin’ life!”
(I’m not at all interested in reading the book, naturally. I’d just like to hear more of Candy’s review.)
Victoria: Luc was hoping Deke would run the pussy patrol, if you know what I mean. I didn’t cover Luc’s incredibly retarded conflict and reasons for having threesomes in my review, because holy jebus it’s retarded, but here it is: he’s sterile, and he’s hoping that Deke’s super-sperm will impregnate a woman and he can have a happy threesome family 4-evah.
I honestly don’t have a problem with a stable triad (that’s kind of a contradiction in terms, because triads are notoriously unstable), either fictionally or in real life. But the fact that Luc not only lies by hiding his infertility from Deke, but that he’s actively working so that Deke’s worst nightmare comes true without ever discussing this with Deke makes him a morally repulsive douchebag, too.
And really, what’s with the lack of paternity testing? Did this book take place in an alternate reality?
Oh, God, Candy. Thank you for the explanation. Seriously, you went above and beyond the call of doody.
Now I am picturing Luc dirty-sanchezing his name above “his” hole.
Luc’s place. Viable sperm stay out!
OMG, there truly is no need to read this book. NO way could it compare to Candy’s review. I’m still laughing from it and the comments. (Because it’s either that or cry in horror!)
Candy, my 8-year-old and his friends are planning their band (when they’re 13 they’re going to be rock stars). It’s called The Flamin’ Zombies. I think the Dead Virgins would be a primo opening act for them!!!
Ye gods and little prairie dogs. This week is off to a tearing start - how can Wednesday/’Hump Day’ possibly live up to this?
persons94 = no-no-no, way too many
Man, not only does the review make me almost laugh out loud in my cube, but the comments do too! The only thing saving my job right now is my restraint in not clickng that link...but you guys srsly make me want to work from home, just so I can see all the lolporn goodness! (badness? good badness? whutevah)
OMG, I still can’t stop laughing. And, having convinced my husband that the SBs are truly the funniest women I’ve (virtually) met, he got a good chuckle out of it too. And he didn’t even see the LOL stuff.
I agree with NHS - how does this sh*t get published when there are lots of brilliant writers getting overlooked because they’re, er,… logical?
Spam blocker: method 81, as in, “Quick, Deke, method 80 for saving a virgin’s life isn’t working. Let’s try method 81!”
Shaunee: Yes, Kimber was completely untouched--she’d barely even kissed a boy, because tall, gorgeous, slightly tomboyish girls are such turnoffs for men. Can’t think of a single dude who’d look twice at a girl who’d wear (gasp) cargo pants.
And yes, she was an anal virgin. They started off small, with a vibrator, which made her come all over the place. When actual buttfuckin’ happened, there was burning and pain, followed shortly thereafter by screaming orgasms--which, to be honest, isn’t too different from most other types of of deflowering scenes in Romancelandia.
The first actual double-penetration scene was hilarious, though--as the two cocks start registering on Kimber’s (admittedly somewhat dim) brain and she realizes what’s about to happen, Deke says something like “That’s right, kitten. Welcome to ménage. Prepare to learn the meaning of multiple orgasms.” Or words to that effect. I’ll have to look up the exact phrasing when I’m back home and have the book in front of me.
Do you guys see what I mean about the summer blockbuster guy?
said on...“Fucking her ass. Saving her life.”
BWA! That should be the Heroes tagline for next season!
Laughing too hard to type anything else.....
RStewie said on...Ohh, that’s hilarious! So both of them were trying to be the ass-man, due to their own various, and admittedly stoopid, hangups!!
DUDE, I’M the ass-man! My sperm don’t work!
NO! I’M the ass-man! She’s a virgin and I’ve GOT TO SAVE HER!
OMG, dueling assmen FTW!!
need46: I’m good with one, honestly…
Rebecca said on...The Romantic Times gives it 4.5 stars.
http://www.romantictimes.com/books_review.php?book=33378
I think this tells us more about the RT than about Decadent.
Spamblocker word: back51
In my next life I want to come up with a propos spamwords.
I’m crying with laughter.... seriously… that was GREAT.
Thanks for sharing the pain and glory.
I was driving home from the store when it occurred to me that this is now going to be my favorite euphemism ever in the entire history of man or beast.
“Honey, you really saved my life last night.”
“Yes. Yes, I did.”
“Seriously, you should be a lifeguard. ‘Cause that was some serious saving.”
“No doubt.”
“Man, I am so hung over.”
You can imagine the looks on my neighbors’ faces as I drove by, cackling hysterically. Thank you for making my week.
Oh, I forgot…
*cue “How to Save a Live” from the Grey’s Anatomy Soundtrack*
Victoria: you’re not the only one. My friends and I have started doing that, too.
“Man, I can’t believe how loud I was last night. I sounded like a little Asian girl who was...getting her life saved.”
“Hey, baby. Want me to save your life tonight?”
“Darling, let’s go out and SAVE LIVES.”
Oh Candy, please, please will you look up the exact phrasing and share with the class?
I almost want to read the book after this review. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being a split second of anger and frustration before your head explodes: how badly will I want to throw the book against the wall?
I, uh, liked the book. :) I’m just saying!
I liked the review better, but I *did* like the book too!
said on...i keep trying to write something pithy here. but honestly? i have no words.
My favorite quote from an Amazon review:
My own experience with this one was to forget to eat.
Ri-i-ight. Thanks for an entertaining Monday, Candy. Can’t wait to get home to look at the porn.
Angelina said on...ROFLMAO! Oh you Bitches! All I can hear right now is elton John singing “Someone saved my life tonight”. Do you think this is what he meant?
My word small 52 - WTF I am gonna get fired if I don’t stop laughing!
OK, this:
Deke Trenton - he’s not gay, he just wants to know what his cousin’s penis tastes like.
and this:
“That’s right, kitten. Welcome to ménage. Prepare to learn the meaning of multiple orgasms.”
caused something to break inside just now. Laughing discretely while hemorrhaging inside isn’t as easy as it sounds.
said on...Menage a trois books are not new. They’re all the rage in the romantica epublishing world. But it’s almost exclusively Two guys and a girl (and a pizza place ... huh, why wasn’t that show porn parodied?).
Why are there so few bisexual heroines in the romance world? Because there are a lot of bi chicks out there. *sigh* I need more time to write.
ANGELINA QUOTE: All I can hear right now is elton John singing “Someone saved my life tonight”. Do you think this is what he meant? UNQUOTE
I think i broke a rib Angelina, cuz the very next thing that went thru my mind was elton john’s “ circle of life”
this may be the “thread that never ends” cuz i think there are still 4,000,001 jokes left.
Oh god, I think I pulled something laughing so hard. The book sounds like an absolute train wreck, the existence of LOLPorn is fantastic, and I think I’m going to have to go read the review again, just tomake sure I didn’t miss anything when wiping my eyes.
I think I have a horror fascination with
this book. Candy, please don’t say he really called her “kitten”?!?! And strangely, I was waiting for someone to mention some dirty sanchez (thanks Victoria) I think this is so much better than reading the book!
LOL, Victoria! I was hearing “How To Save A Life” too. Hopefully the good doctors on Grey’s don’t learn this method next season ...
And I goofed when I wrote about how I was glad I was drinking coffee - left out the n’t. I wasn’t this time… Okay. It’s pretty obvious I was still cracking up.
said on...So I clicked on the Lolporn link...and my internet suffered an internal error. Coincidence? Or is my computer trying to tell me something?
Someone saved my life tonight, sugar bear
He almost had his cock in me, didn’t you dear…
Posted by mlg on 03/17 at 08:23 AM
OMG when I first looked at this I thought the technical virgin had saved herself for Jesus!
Circle of Life.
Oh God. I may never stop laughing.
Oh, and the exact quote, with context, because the context makes it even better:
A rip, a tear. Oh, God, she knew the sound of a condom wrapper. Surely, Deke didn’t plan to…
The sinful smile on Luc’s face told her that Deke did.
“Hold still, sweetheart.” Luc gripped her hips to ensure she did.
“But Deke...He’s going to--”
“Fuck you while Luc fucks you,” Deke growled into her ear, the aroused gravel in his tone making her hot and shivery. “Welcome to ménage, kitten. Get ready to know the meaning of multiple orgasms.”
You know, all things considered, I got the quote eerily accurate, seeing as I read this book and started the review about two months ago.
As for headsploderation potential, I highly, highly recommend reading this in the company of sympathetic company. For variety, use Disney Movie Guy voice, Romantic Comedy guy voice, or Art House Tragedy guy voice just to mix things up.
And robinb: I’m glad you enjoyed the book.
“Oh how the mouse hovers over the lolporn link and oh how my finger hovers over the button.
I wanna click!”
In haiku form:
lolporn entices
finger hovers on button
i wanna click it
I just realized something else:
I will never look at Lifesavers the same way again.
ha! Thanks, Candy.
Hey, if you can’t laugh at your own appreciation for badly written, buttsecks books, then you have no sense of humor!
Besides, I can always blame 3.5 years of law school for doing this to me!
This so reminds me of something you’d find in The Pearl, which of course means if it had been written in Victorian times it would have become a bestseller over the years and mimicked by countless erotica authors.
I think I need to buy this book. I’m hovering just under the free shipping limit for chapters.ca for books I actually need ... can anyone give me a good reason why I shouldn’t? I have to see for myself ...
(girls29. heh.)
Candy, I can’t believe you reviewed this book without first reviewing the first in the series! That’s got to be bad reviewer etiquette. Somewhere.
I insist that you review the first in the series this very second. I know you’re doing the law school thing, but shit aren’t you doing that in whatever time you have leftover after catering to the needs of the Bitchery?
said on...~“They are simply using [their policy] as a tactic to keep a small press from submitting contest entries. It also looks to me like they are trying to control the outcome of who wins by who they allow in the contest.” ~
Comes off as bollocks to me. Arrogant and whiny bollocks.
Read. The. Rules. Sister.
Eeek. So sorry. The above posted on the wrong thread.
Carry on with porn, please.
Okay, spam word is cut69. Har.
You warned me and I clicked anyway. I have no one to blame but myself. The look on her face is actually etched into my retinas.
said on...This is the most entertainment I’ve had in days! (Candy’s review, Ben’s LOLpron and these comments, and even the excerpts themselves—but I don’t think I could handle actually reading the book.) I was holding it together until Elton John, then I lost it completely. So completely that Nora’s “Carry on” had me right back on the floor, rolling.
I love me some Smart Bitches!
said on...First post. You’ve all had me in stitches all evening! I’m actually posting simply to share my spam word with you:
life69. heh.
said on...OMG...my body hurts from laughing so hard today…
OMFG! Don’t you people realize I had to GO TO WORK with ‘moral turpitude’ and ‘fucking her ass, saving her life’ rolling around my head, trying not to laugh my own ass off while giving great office?
Please keep it up (heh); it’s a deadly dull job.
U.S. Writer
said on...I am so, so happy this site exists. I haven’t laughed so hard in years. I can barely breathe!
I’m pretty sure this could be an episode of Grey’s Anatomy-
said on...LOLporn woman? I thought that was a guy! Spamword is image63. I guess she’s got a very manly image.
OK, you all are ruining my work today. I had myself pulled together, but then Ben’s haiku and Nora’s “carry on” sent me right back over the edge.
Spam word: food46 - Fine, as long as it’s not 46 LifeSavers
said on...Dammit, I work at an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, I can’t click the link.
I can’t.
Oh god I can’t do it.
...
I really really want to, though.
Jesse, international rock star.
Deke, mercenary.
Luc, celebrity chef.
[LOOOOONG pause before continuing with book.]
A “back entrance” that’s a “tight passage”? Well, okay, finally something I can relate to. So I read on. (I despise our backdoor and hallway. Two people, or one person and a dog, can barely squeeze between its walls. The tendons in my neck and the muscles in my arms stand out just trying to get my damned coat on or off.)
But-
03.17.08 at 12:17 AM |