Smart Bitches Trashy Books | All of the romance, none of the bullshit.

Yes, this is why we lurve you with a lurve that’s strong as a sheikh in the night, SBs!

Whee, I have this one, too. Need to write my review soon…

So, was he quitly highly sexed?

Great review as always, this sounds like the American Pie 4 of romance novels.

Chuck Norris doesn’t take a woman’s virginity. His virginity takes you!

...I’ve got nothing, except that I’m going to buy this book ASAP. I probably would have anyway, because I usually a) like Kendrick and b) that title is irresistible, but this review just made it a sure thing.

I’m crying on my keyboard here, although I must confess as an ex-Brit I did get into trouble for juddering in my books but my editor beat it out of me, so now I just shudder and shake like the Americans do. I got in trouble for my hero tossing something as well once, but I digress…
I want to read this book so badly now.

Reading this book was like watching a really horribly tacky movie that you couldn’t truly enjoy because it was so bad, but that you wanted to finish just to see how much worse it could get and so that you could tell all your friends about it later. It’s terrible, but you just can’t put it down. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I do now that I’m now weary of reading anything else by Sharon Kendrick for fear of getting sucked into another grotesque yet amusing monstrosity like this one.

And now for the really important part… I think Kaliq might be able to defeat Chuck Norris, but there’s no way he could win against Mr. Rogers.

Well, Kaliq would win a match with Chuck because ... well, Chuck couldn’t be bothered with Mr. Asshatpants.

And, really, I want an alphabet naming game for the nameless one. You already gave us the first. I’ll add another.

A is for Asshat
B is for Bastard
C is for Complete Tool
D is for Disgusting Wanker
E is for Egotistical Sh!!head

someone want to do F?

Obsess over your reflection much, Kaliq? What a monumental, asshat tool. My HERO!!! LOL, kidding.

In a fight between Kaliq and Chuck Norris, or Chucky-Baby, as my mother-in-law refers to him, there is not a single doubt in my mind that Chuck would stomp Kliq, the princely prick, in to the sand. No contest.

A is for Asshat
B is for Bastard
C is for Complete Tool
D is for Disgusting Wanker
E is for Egotistical Sh!!head

someone want to do F?

F is for Fucktard
G is for Goat ... er ... groper?

I’d never make it all the way down to M, but it’s definitely for Man-whore.

I am totally using the phrase “It’s its own drinking game!” from now on. Thanks, SB Sarah!

Also, Chuck Norris would kick ass. Because you’re not allowed to describe Chuck Norris as manly. Other men are Chuck Norris-y.

I must confess as an ex-Brit I did get into trouble for juddering in my books

Doesn’t the verb judder occur at all in American English, then?  How interesting!   
However, I do not see it as particularly appropriate in a sex-scene.  It isn’t a simple synonym for shudder or shake , as it is usually used of an inanimate object.  The bed might judder during a lively congress, but not the human participants.
:-)

I tend not to like any word containing any version of “retard” (i.e. F*tard has always hit me wrong), so how about something like F*in A*hole for F? I know it’s not all that creative, but it is classic, AND it’s got a literal component to it, as well. ;)

Lizard???  He calls her LIZARD after taking her virginity.

Change that B to Bestiality

By the muscular shafts of his thighs, Kaliq’s hands clenched into two tight fists.

I wasn’t supposed to hear By the power of Greyskull there, was I?  I didn’t think so.

In other news,

G is for Goat ... er ... groper?

H is for (Highly-Sexed) Hedgehog Humper?  At least as satisfying as walls, stables, and goats, anyway.

Oh. My. Word.  Crying here and trying not to wet myself.

This phrase did it:
“...but by the time they found her, she was dead and the vultures had long taken away the chicken.”

Damn but they miss that chicken…

I would not read this book if you paid me many dollars, but this review was totally awesome.  What with the chickens and the thigh shafts and the looks of orgasm and the lizards, I’m juddering with mirth. And a touch of incredulity.

as her innocence was taken from her for ever

Interesting use of the passive voice there, Kaliq.

1. Hate books that force me to learn new vocab: acclimatise. Seriously, didn’t know that one, had to look it up. And IMHO it isn’t a good fit either. :shrug:

2. If I were an author it would be my goal to write a book just like this to get this review from you. This marks the second time I have to go buy a book because of the deliciously awful snarkful review you have given it.

As I giggle at my computer, I must say…I am concerned about the horse. It sounds like the asshat and the lizard are so busy being humptastic that everyone has forgotten about the stallion. I am sending this book to PETA…I know that they will take care of this unfortunate discovery.

Oh, and Kalick needs to remember that a sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

I’m seized by a fierce unrelenting need for this book.

I read this last month, and if the Kindle DX wasn’t so darn expensive, I would have thrown it at the wall.  Last month’s entire Presents category was simply awful, but this one happens to be the absolute worst thing I’ve ever read.  Or close to it (some later Thea Devine comes to mind).

However, the cringe-inducing nature of this work has been significantly mitigated by your utterly hysterical review.  Maybe I need to re-read it, to reassess its awfulness.

And to add to the Alphabet of Asshattery:

F is for F**kwad
G is for Greasy Haired Gasbag
H is for Husband from Hell with Herpes
I is for Incontinent and Impotent Idiot
J is for Justifiably Manslaughtered

Someone else can pick it with the ultra-difficult “K”

Spamword - Glass83 - 83 glass eyes later, Steve finally managed to pop Doris’ cherry

(Oh, YUCK!)

And that, my children, is when Harlequin officially jumped the virgin shark.

I bought this one for the library and am delighted I didn’t spend my own money for it.  While reading this, I often imagined kicking Kaliq in the bidness, despite the apparent risk of breaking my toes on his Crotch o’ the Desert. 

The only reason to wade through this dreck is to see him broken and grovelling, full of guilt at his numerous transgressions.  But it never happens—-his only punishment is to actually experience an honest emotion and to care for another human being.  Oh, the horror.

Meh.

Killed for cause
Kissed off knuckelhead
Knuckledragging Neaderthal

Lousy Lout
Losing IQ points as we speak
Loose change for brains

Man without a brain
Miserly meat stick
...

And Gina, I *always* worry about the animals!

Interesting tidbit there about the word “juddering”. 
My favorite “I swear they’re not actually speaking English” story is from a friend who was sent to work in the London office for a year.  In a meeting he said, “OK, I’ll just toss this together…”  Everyone burst out laughing hysterically.  He looked around and said, “What did I say now?”, which just made them laugh harder.  Finally they explained to him what “tossing” means in British English!

Ooooh god I really needed a laugh this morning too ;)

Uh… wow. Out of curiousity, I looked up Sharon Kendrick to see if she had any connection to Middle Eastern culture which, of course, she doesn’t. Haven’t read the book, but these excerpts sound like she read some books but doesn’t have any personal experience with the culture.

This would tick me off except that the book seems so disconnected from anything resembling reality that I don’t think it matters.

K is for Krazy-misogynistic?

Goddamnit!

I put on my pretty, cleavagey dress because there are going to be boys at the party I’m going to tonight, and now I’ve sprayed soup all over it.

I mean, it’s not like you didn’t warn me, but I didn’t listen, and I read the one line with food in my mouth and there’s no way I’m going to be able to get this washed and dried again before I have to go out and it’s all your fault!

Okay, Sarah, you must, must, MUST send this one to DocTurtle.

@Nicole S.

This phrase did it:
“...but by the time they found her, she was dead and the vultures had long taken away the chicken.”

Damn but they miss that chicken…

and
@Sarah

While reading this, I often imagined kicking Kaliq in the bidness, despite the apparent risk of breaking my toes on his Crotch o’ the Desert. 

Ya’ll have made my day. Thanks.
This just may have surpassed Pregnesia.

Sheikhs are my guilty pleasure, and being a tad high-handed is par for the course, but yep, this guy goes way beyond high-handed into complete git.

Any man who think “lizard” is a cute way to refer to the missus should be, shall we say, disabused of this notion. With something pointy.

A is for Asshat
B is for Bastard
C is for Complete Tool
D is for Disgusting Wanker
E is for Egomaniac
F is for F*ckwad
G is for Git
H is for Horrific
I is for Idiot
J is for Jerk
K is for Knuckledragger
L is for Lout
M is for Misogynist
N is for Nad-less
O is for O RLY?
P is for Prick
Q R is for Rude
S is for Slimy
T is for Turdhead
U is for Ugh
V is for Vicious
W is for Waste-of-Space
X Y is for Why Did You Write this?
Z

My day has pretty much been crap until I checked on what the Smart Bitches were up to.  Thank you for making me laugh until my sides hurt.  :-)

OMG, last month my sister sent me a picture of this book, sitting on the shelf of her local bookstore along with its compatriots. We were ROFL just at the title. I am THRILLED to find out that the book lives up (down?) to its cover!

I’ve been hopping all over the web sending people to read this review lol.

“if wishes were bosoms, sheikhs would ride” FUNNY!

I am buying the book. Awesomeness like this has to be encouraged.

This quote.. He gave the flicker of an arrogant smile. ‘But of course they are,’ he said, with a careless shrug. ‘I excite the attention of women wherever I go—they are naturally drawn to my power and virility.’

Two words.. JOHNNY BRAVO

“‘I excite the attention of women wherever I go—they are naturally drawn to my power and virility.’ “
OooooKayyy… That would be awesome - like a symphony of pinging knicker elastic and a tumbling dogpile of flailing females only prevented from crushing the “hero” to death by his magical shield of self importance.
Funniest review I’ve read in ages, but what happened to the horse?  Won’t somebody think of the ponies?

Having just recently suffered through “The Duke’s Cinderella Bride” by Carole Mortimer, I’m naturally shy about reading another godawful category. But at least this one sounds cracktastic, whereas the Mortimer was just a boring gangbang of adverbs.

And when desire prefers the wall hangings or livestock to humans and whatnot, it’s just off the hook.

That made me LOL at work.  My coworkers think I am so strange.

I actually wanted some of the grovelling included in the review, just to round out some of the highly sexxed and highly sexist block quotes.

Does she ever get to call him by his name in public??  Was the gear stick somehow involved in their reunion?  Was is seed enough to grow plants the likes of which we’ve never seen??

These questions need answers.

Oh, and….MWA! HA! HA! A+ review.

I want to leave it where Ahmed can see it and wait to see how long he goes before thumbing through it… then wait longer to see how long it takes him to confront me.

Could be hysterical…

One of these days I will learn not to be drinking when I read these reviews. I needed to start off the day laughing. Thank you!

I think you need to come up with a new grade for books that are so bad, they jump the shark and become good again.

Like DG (Disastrously Good); or WTF/OMGWTFBBQ (self explanatory); the Whatchutalkinabout, Willis?; maybe FUBAR’d?

I just reviewed “The Innocent’s Dark Seduction” by Jennie Lucas, an author I usually enjoy. But this one got a D-. So what got into the HMB authors this month? Or maybe, what didn’t?

Does the book actually move the Two Island (one apparently a desert, the other ... not) Kingdoms That Will Someday Be One Again plotline along?

That poor chicken.

Amazon Product Description:

Polo-playing sheikh Prince Kaliq Al’Farisi loves his women as much as his horses. They’re wild, willing, and he’s their master!

(emphasis mine)
That’s wrong on so many levels, I don’t even know where to start.

Thanks for the review, Sarah! It was hilarious.

NOW WAIT JUST A GODDAM MINUTE HERE MR SHIEKHY PANTS

I love you Sarah. Seriously.

Truly, she was no longer a girl - she had been made into a woman by her sheikh.

I have one thing to say. And that one thing is 0.o

LOL!  I love it!

I looked at this book when it came up for preorder at Amazon.  I could tell it was a gem.

Um, wow. Just…um…gosh, can’t even think of what to say…it sounds so stupendously wretched…but the review was AWESOME!

And now I am feeling strangely compelled to go buy this title…

Definitely time for a new grade…F…for FUBAR. Wow. Just wow. 

I think I aspirated some tea as I inhaled so fast accompanied by scaring the dog by LOL and coughing at the same time.

Just a point of clarification:  is this astonishing book a contemporary, set in the early 21st century, or does it have an historical setting?
And I’m glad others were concerned about the horse, too.  In fact, the horse sounds a lot more interesting, and surely better-mannered, than the prince.

Lizards! Chickens! Oh, dear sweet merciful heavens. 

I am laughing so hard I think I need oxygen.

Every time I read the words ‘little lizard’ or ‘lizard’ I couldn’t help thinking he was talking to ‘little Kaliq’ if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Which made me giggle all the harder.

Thank you for taking the hit for the rest of us. This one sounds like it has to be its own drinking game to get through it. O.o

It’s just like what they always say: if wishes were bosoms, sheikhs would ride.

I almost died laughing at this.

But I have to admit: I LIKE THE EXCERPTS.  Seriously.  I would read this and not just to make fun of it.  It sounds like a perfect guilty pleasure.

Well, since Doc Turtle has postulated that Chuck Norris wears Wrath Underoos, perhaps we should draft Wrath for the Ultimate Testosterone Showdown…Cage Match!

Thanks for a hysterically funny review, which clearly took some time to put together, not to mention multiple readings to ensure accurate quotings of otherwise unbelievable dialogue and descriptions…my cats are still hiding under the bed because of my hooting and laughing out loud - thank heaven I didn’t take a peek at this at the Reference Desk!

Barbara, your alphabet is awesome!

May I suggest:

Z is for Zounds! A Cad!

... In other news, the very first romance I ever read involved a sheik, and I did not read another until I encountered this site.  It still kind of burns.

Might I suggest Zit-Popping Horse-Hopping Asshat Lizard Lover?

plane89 Hop on for the ride of your life, Little Lizard.

I can barely type, I am laughing so

ing hard. Tears… coffee on monitor… that sort of thing.my favorites:

‘No, but I’m sad that you didn’t buy me a pony.’

This book is high entertainment. It’s so ridiculous, you can’t put it down. It is its own drinking game.

I am going to Chapters to buy this… now.

My favorite “I swear they’re not actually speaking English” story is from a friend who was sent to work in the London office for a year.  In a meeting he said, “OK, I’ll just toss this together…”  Everyone burst out laughing hysterically.  He looked around and said, “What did I say now?”, which just made them laugh harder.  Finally they explained to him what “tossing” means in British English!

Wow, your friend’s coworkers are really rude (and also apparently 12 years old). 

Every time I read the words ‘little lizard’ or ‘lizard’ I couldn’t help thinking he was talking to ‘little Kaliq’ if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Which made me giggle all the harder.

I thought the exact same thing and wonder why such an egomaniac would refer to his most prized part as a “little” anything, let alone a lizard.

F=Fuckwit

You had me with the chicken line. At least they have their priorities straight. Mom=meh. Vultures eating chicken=OMG!! Major trauma.
Anyone else get a Pretty Woman flashback with the polo match?
Mr. Sheikhypants! Ha! I love a good Evil Dead reference in the morning. (OK, it’s late afternoon, but go with me here.)

Awesome, awesome review. love. it.

I find all the “ZOMG this is totally ignorant of Middle Eastern culture!” posts hilarious.

It’s a friggin Harlequin Presents - of course it is! They’re written by white British (an occasionally a yank, a canuck or a kiwi) women for other white women. The whole sheikh thing is made up as a vehicle for uber-alpha males.

Don’t let this turn you off Presents. When they’re good, they’re good. Like box mac and cheese made with cream and eaten straight out of the pot while still wearing your PJs at dinnertime kind of good.

Geez, you could just read EM Hull’s The Sheik over at Project Gutenberg and get pretty much the same stuff—and that was written in 1919!

My facial muscles hurt from laughter.

‘I excite the attention of women wherever I go—they are naturally drawn to my power and virility.’

Mental image: Rick Moranis in ‘Spaceballs’ playing with his dolls, “Druish princesses are always attracted to men with money and power and I have both and you know it.”

Link

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. Reading this while at work was clearly a mistake. People are looking at me strangely. This book sounds great! The title alone! So descriptive. The PLAYBOY sheiks VIRGIN STABLE GIRL? How does something like that even get printed?

Just a point of clarification:  is this astonishing book a contemporary, set in the early 21st century, or does it have an historical setting?

It’s a contemp (I was wondering too until we got to the bit about flying the horse to England).

Holy Shit - This is by far the funniest book review I have ever read. 
But truly don’t we all know someone who is so beyond comprehension that his razor and paper are “naturally drawn to his power and virility? ” 

Mr Sheiky poo must be friends with Dimitri the stud http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/dimitri-the-lover/hear_the_voicemail

To quote a wise sage, “It is a romance novel rule that any man named Kaliq MUST be highly sexed.”

Or “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sheik in possession of half a Harlequin Presents title must be a highly-sexed asshat”?

This has been the next book in my TBR pile for a while (I’m a terribly slow reader).  I’m almost done with the one I’m reading now, and I can’t wait to get to this one now!  XD

I haven’t laughed harder at a review since your masterful takedown of Savage Moon (or whichever book it was where the Indian dude referenced his “flute of love”)

Best. review. EVAH!

Ahh. Juddering. I’d seen your tweet and had been curious.

This entire post is better than juddering. Especially since juddering is apparently a real word.

NOW WAIT JUST A GODDAM MINUTE HERE MR SHIEKHY PANTS

Ok, I laughed so hard I didn’t make any noise - you know how your kids cry when they hurt themselves really, really badly?  Yep, like that.  Damn, couldn’t breath for a couple seconds.

Mr. Sheikhypants! Ha! I love a good Evil Dead reference in the morning.

OK, is anyone else thinking this just HAS to be made into a LifetimeTV movie with Bruce Campbell as the Sheikh?  I think only The Chin could pull off some of the lines that have been quoted here, (with Sam Raimi directing, of course.)

I have that book. The hero was a bit of an arse but I thought he was pretty close to type. Most of the “Sheikhs” in these books are far too western and frankly soft. I liked it because he was more like what I expected a Sheikh to be like, my employer deals with these guys on a regular basis. As bad as the hero in this book is he doesn’t sound anywhere near as bad as some of the guy’s I’ve heard about but I digress. Women are second class citizens in some parts of the world so I found the buying of her quite believable, and her characterisation also worked for me. Overall I’d say I quite liked the book.

What was the mother doing walking home with a chicken and falling into a nest of snakes?  Where the heck was this girl raised?  First I thought it must be historical cause it is so outofdate with her role but the language is too modern.

Ok,Ok since when are LIZARDS a turnon.  Somehow the idea of a little lizard being a sex object is simply WRONG.  This guy is weirder than hell as well as needing a handcart to haul around his ego.  And, having been around a pet iguana, believe me only another iguana would have found it sexy. SHUDDER.  She actually falls in love with this creep.  I mean I knew she was twisted to put up with her father but this is serious psychological problems—from one bad abusive relationship to another.  “Oh and call me mister when I leave your bed” !@#$ He’d be one battered sheik if he tried that on me.  Next he’ll want her to bowdown when he walks past.

Please Sharon Kendrick tell me you tossed this off in a weekend for some extra cash and didn’t spend any time on it.  Otherwise we’ll have to do an intervention.

Long-time reader, first time commenting—and I have to say, this review made my day. Hell, the title of this book made my day. Two thumbs up! :)

Awesome review! Had a crappy afternoon and this definitely brought the smiles back!  Sometimes I don’t think these authors take themselves or their characters seriously and just decide to write fun, wacky books with exaggerated characters.  And the title is pretty ridiculous!  I don’t think you need to say “playboy sheikh” because by definition in romancelandia, aren’t all sheikhs playboys? 

and I’m really looking forward to a harlequin romance once day that will have a heroine say

Do you think his own ego gets in the way of everyday things, like taking a crap or shaving? Can you reach around your own inflated sense of self when you are that awesome in your own mind?  Or does the razor shave him and the paper wipe his backside because they are naturally drawn to his power and virility?

that was my fave part of the review!

Oh.oh.oh… the pain.  I was already laughing so hard I was crying… and then I read the comments.  Now I have a stitch.

I admit - I LOVE the snarky reviews the best, and this is the best one ever.

Someday, I will have a fabulous bathroom to decorate exactly as a I like, and I will wallpaper it with select passages from this book. 

pure awesomeness.!

@ rebyj:

This quote.. He gave the flicker of an arrogant smile. ‘But of course they are,’ he said, with a careless shrug. ‘I excite the attention of women wherever I go—they are naturally drawn to my power and virility.’

Two words.. JOHNNY BRAVO

HUH!  :-D

I’m laughing so hard at this review my eyes are watering.  I don’t think I could make it through the actual book without committing violence and/or mayhem, but the review is fabulousness covered in awesomesauce.

Thank you so much for the laugh! I totally needed it tonight!

My favorite line was:

She’s taking care of the stallion (the actual horse, not Kaliq), ...

Does anyone else hear the Taco Bell dog saying “Here, leezard, leezard, leezard…” from the Godzilla promos??? Seriously, Little Lizard is the best nickname he can come up with???

And the vultures and the chicken! I will be laughing for DAYS!

J is for Juddering Jackass.  Is it just me, or does the heroine seem as upset about the fate of the chicken as she was about her mother’s death?  Spamword is - wait for it - Woman96, as in “The little lizard was woman 96 in Kaliq’s bed this week.”

Okay, how many copies of the book do you think have sold since this review went up?

**SNORT**  :D

I dunno about Chuck, but I think The Stig would go Gambon on his ass.

OMG.  What a funny review!

I was laughing so hard I was crying.  My eyes sting from all the mascara running into them and it’s all your fault!

One of your best reviews EVAH!

I “judder” at the thought of reading this book . . . oh wait. . . is judder a good thing or a bad one? Wahhh I’m confused after All that male virility and sexual prowess

(cough, laugh, cough)

I tend not to like any word containing any version of “retard” (i.e. F*tard has always hit me wrong), so how about something like F*in A*hole for F? I know it’s not all that creative, but it is classic, AND it’s got a literal component to it, as well. ;)

As pejoratives go, I’m not sure that “retard” is a substantively worse choice than a specific form of sex.

BTW, my feed reader thinks the title of this post is The Playbot Sheikh’s....

If that was a typo, you should have left it!  A playbot is all that this story lacks.

Wait…. so it’s a race horse or a polo horse? and if it’s a race horse, why are they on the polo field? Or does the Polo match have nothing to do with the rest of the story?  CRAP, now I have to read it to find out. GREAT… I’m looking forward to a book full of Epic Asshattery and Anthropomorphizing Idiocy (not quite alliteration, but it still sounds fun).

See where my interest lies?

And I would like to add that any horsewoman worth her spit would be quickly and decisively giving a stand down command to a 4-legged stallion that tried that sort of cocky bullshit… and I don’t know many that would put up with the 2 legged variety either.

@RfP: But it’s not, really. At least not in that form. Actually, I don’t think in any form it would be.

  Every time I read the words ‘little lizard’ or ‘lizard’ I couldn’t help thinking he was talking to ‘little Kaliq’ if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Which made me giggle all the harder.

I thought the exact same thing and wonder why such an egomaniac would refer to his most prized part as a “little” anything, let alone a lizard.

Thank You Thank You Thank You.

When I first read this, I was thinking okay Lizard=Snake=Sir Mix A Lot’s Anaconda (“My anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hun”), so I guess it might work, but then I thought that calling it “little lizard” would be totally out of character for his personality.

This review made my night, so now I must go to bed.
Night, All!

K is for Kracktastic.

MR SHIEKHY PANTS. Fantastic. Why am I having visions of an MC Hammer video with shiekhs?

And the whole ‘don’t call me by my name in public’ thing? I am imagining some poor girl strutting around the track, snapping her fingers, and calling out ‘hey, you!’

Okay, how many copies of the book do you think have sold since this review went up?

It’ll be interesting to see if it gets in the top ten bestseller lists tomorrow on eharlequin.com, won’t it? Or to see how it does on amazon?

It’s romance time, dare I say, BUSINESS Time, when little lizards are brought out, is all I’m sayin’.

Great, now I’ve got this song stuck in my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp1l4MoZYow

Gosh, the poor prince must go off and jizz randomly at inopportune moments. You know, because desire is all the more powerful when it was indiscriminate, and when you just spontaneously jizz on the wall indiscriminately, then it’s extra more hot.

Now I want to go listen to “Jizz in my Pants”. Thanks.

OMG, Elizabeth…Bruce Campbell as the Sheikh in the Lifetime movie version?!?

BRILLIANT!?!

*teaspew* Another perfectly good monitor ruined..

Is it just me that thought of Mr Legend in His Own Lunchtime Sheikh as Joxer the Mighty? Sounds like a friggin’ Pez dispenser, not highly sexed..

((referred ere by http://supergee.livejournal.com/1917528.html))
I maxed out early.  How does he get is silk to cling?  Mine is much too smooth and slippery.

Kaliq dismounted with the same speed and grace as he would remove himself from the body of a woman he had just made love to.

For those of you who aren’t Katt Williams’ fans, I bring you exactly what went through my mind when I read this line. And man, did it hurt my ribs.

Mind, it’s vulgar and the volume is low…but it’s perfect.

I’m blonde this morning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYAiJf6DDGA  And unless I dye my hair, I’ll be blonde this evening, too. Damnit.

I bought the e-book.
It was at #7 last night on their top ten list.

::facepalm::

I heard about this book last week on Ravelry, and was able to get a copy via Paperbackswap - it just came (uh, as in arrived, not in the juddering sense) last night.  I’m in the middle of “Contracted: A Wife for the Bedroom” right now; I had to put that one down for a few days after the first sex scene, where the hero’s penis (though it’s not called a penis) “stabs” into the heroine.  Um, ow.
Anyway, looking forward to reading about Sheik Highly Sexed for myself.  :D

But what purpose would there be in telling her that take-off and landing were the two most dangerous moments during a flight?

Holy crap until you quoted that I thought this book was set in the 1800s. Silly me. If romance novels of this caliber are to be believed there are a hell of a lot more sheikh’s running around than I thought.

I read through this a couple of days ago as part of the Royal House of Karedes binge I was on. At the end of it, I thought “WTF did I just read?!” I was also severely squicked out by the lizard nickname. Oh Lordy.

I also had my doubts about being set in the present time with all the primitive shambles the heroine was in before the sheikh swept her up in a cloud of desert dust.

As for the title, I don’t think the authors have any say in those. They’re picked for the sake of selling the plot through the title, I suspect.

spam: involved43. I wasn’t involved in this story, not even 43%.

Please, God, she wrote this on a dare?  A bet of some sort?  Perhaps? 

The thought of a drinking game would be about the only way to make it through.  Heeeeeeeere lizard, lizard, lizard.  Shot.

My lizard, let me show you him…
http://tinyurl.com/mvze7r
don’t worry it’s work safe

I loved this review! I just might have to get me a few copies and sit around with my girlfriends and play The Highly Sexed Sheik drinking game.

Do you think the next printing might have illustrations?

I have one to suggest:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_I2uQkGxIykM/SPqah4-fs-I/AAAAAAAAAYc/8d2qYc4IU1s/s320/lizard+love.jpg

No, wait. I just have to stop lurking for a moment and comment on this. Is this Eleni Lakis supposed to be Greek? She must be, given the name. And this is a contemporary? I must say judging from the review that the author has no clue what contemporary Greece is like. A veil? Could someone please explain the reason she is wearing a veil, and what makes wearing it appropriate for her class and status. (Well, yes I am Greek - excuse me for the mistakes, I’m not that fluent in English.)

But the review, yeah - it is hilarious. Made my afternoon. :-)

ROFLMAO!.

“NOW WAIT JUST A GODDAM MINUTE HERE MR SHIEKHY PANTS.” = the best line in a review EVER!

I have to say, this might be a good candidate for Doc Turtle, as some peeps up-thread suggested. I would love to see what kind of mad-libs he would come up with, for this book.

@teshara

The book that is at #7 on eHarlequin’s bestseller list is The Sheikh’s Forbidden Virgin. It’s part of the same series though, and turning out to be a better read at 77 pages so far.

Aarif is so much nicer than his twin brother Kaliq.

(spam: came47? WTF?)

Best. Review. Ever!

I read it twice, just for a second round of laughs.

In a moment of utter insanity I picked up Harlequin Presents, The Italian’s Rags To Riches Wife by Julia James, and it was simply horrifying. The heroine was slightly overweight and the

hero kept thinking of her as fat. He paid no attention to her until she had a makeover, he demeaned her constantly and I just wanted her to kick his ass to the curb.

Oh, and the editing was wayyyyy badddddd. !!!! everywhere.

I have a slew of Harlequin titles on my Keeper Shelves but recent additions from this pub have been few and far between.

So when is Presents issuing “The High Flying Vulture’s Virgin Chicken”?

Between the lizard, chicken and the vultures, I’m ROFLMAO. Great review. I judder at the idea of this man reproducing.

According to Steven Fry on QI, Saurus means lizard and lizard is often a euphemism for the ‘male member.’
Who knew?

t’s romance time, dare I say, BUSINESS Time, when little lizards are brought out, is all I’m sayin’. And he calls her that through most of the book, too. Rwor.

This is a Flight of the Concords reference, yes?  OMG, that had me laughing hysterically - followed closely by singing “it’s business, it’s business time!”  I saw the title for this one and thought, “WTF?”  This review just takes the cake.

Just because I’m generous, I’m including the link to the Business Time vid here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU

Ah, Flight of the Concords, Jizzin’ In My Pants, subliminal bestiality, an asshat hero and a doormat heroine.  I’m so glad I saved this review for Friday evening—it makes up for no #romfail!

I can’t laugh anymore for a while.

can’t breath… his ego and my laughter in the way…

@sableheart:

I read through this a couple of days ago as part of the Royal House of Karedes binge I was on. At the end of it, I thought “WTF did I just read?!”

Be warned: the Chantelle Shaw book is just as bad, imo. Except that unlike Sheikhypants, it doesn’t have the campy quality that makes all the suck so easy to ignore. I would’ve thrown the Shaw book at the wall so many times if not for the whole “electronics + wall = fail” thing.

Aarif is so much nicer than his twin brother Kaliq.

It’s insane how totally different the two are, isn’t it? They don’t seem like third cousins twice removed, let alone twins. Aarif is human, Kaliq is… well, Kaliq. ‘Nuff said.

All I want is just a little more review, so my ribs can ache the rest of the day. OMG, you nearly killed me.

Do you think his own ego gets in the way of everyday things, like taking a crap or shaving? Can you reach around your own inflated sense of self when you are that awesome in your own mind

By the time I read this, I was holding on to the desk for support. Bless your heart, Sarah for making me laugh so hard.

Now, upon your review of Decadent, I was utterly compelled to purchase said book and read for myself. Despite the same compelling urge, I’m going to do my best to resist this time. It’s the same attraction I have to those horrible, gut-wrenching moves on Lifetime. Watch one and I’m glued to the television all day while horrible things happen to beautiful people.

His pet name for her is lizard?? That’s a first. He should have called her his slutty bitch instead.

If the book was so bad it turned good, should it be compared to the movie, “The Room”?  It gets funnier the more times you see it with different people.

Now I need to find this book…..

comes87….only after a Lora Leigh read-a-thon

I was in the middle of reading another book (which I started while I was in the middle of another book) when this great epic was brought to my attention and I just HAD to stop everything and read this. Thank goodness it was a short tome.

What got me were all these Middle Eastern-sounding oaths of “By the desert storm,” “By the falcon’s claw”, “By the raven’s wing,” “By the two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun”

Because that’s what Arabian-type people say, doncha know.

What got me were all these Middle Eastern-sounding oaths of “By the desert storm,” “By the falcon’s claw”, “By the raven’s wing,” “By the two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun”

I’ve been seeing lots of bizarre oaths in Harlequin Sheiky romances lately - I think it’s a by-product of cultural sensitivity or political correctness.  Until recently, stories featuring Middle Eastern males would have sworn “Insha’Allah”, which is an Arabic term derived from the Koran (although it can be used by all religions in the Mideast).  I think that given the extraordinary reactions that have come out of countries with strong fundamentalist elements (jailing and serious threats of public flogging and/or death for a British schoolteacher who named a class teddybear Mohammed), not using a quasi-religions phrase derived from a holy book is just a way out of potentially sticky situations.

Just my $0.02.

Lita

NOW WAIT JUST A GODDAM MINUTE HERE MR SHIEKHY PANTS.

YOU OWE ME A KEYBOARD, WOMAN!

(and it was all downhill from there, and I mean that in the bestests of got-a-pony ways.)

[captcha is ‘fine59’—I’d say better than fine. A highly-sexed fine, even!]

I could not stop laughing as I read this post!  So funny!

i looked up the meaning of Kaliq in a muslim baby boy name dictionary:  “Male Creative, refers to a quality of God”....which means, i dunno, the author had a good time with the name? i hope? this book is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?

all i know is that this book and pregnesia belong on my coffee table so i can share the love with all who enter my home; to hell with my tasteful oversized photography books.

is there a good romance novel set in the middle east that anyone can recommend to me, btw?

Thanks for this review I howled with laughter and it brought me to your charming review site.  This has to be about the WORST book I have ever read.  My mother has one of those Igloo Playmate coolers….She is 78 and sometimes get’s confused and refers to it as her “Playboy” lol anyhoo I must say that my mother’s “Playboy” cooler has 10 times the charm and wit as Kaliqula…:)  Thanks again for the laughs.

What a brilliant review and great set of comments!  I have been lurking on this site—on and off—for about a year, and am super interested (as you can tell by my username) in sheikhs and desert romances.  I am surprised they haven’t come up more in the posts/comments about alpha males, though I realize novels like this one don’t exactly give them the best press….

I’d also be interested in folks’ recommendations for good romance novels set in the ME.  I’ve read Nan Ryan’s Burning Love [it was very closely modeled on E.M. Hull’s The Sheik, IMO] and Nora Roberts’ Sweet Revenge [which doesn’t actually feature a ME hero, but rather a ME villain], from other recommendations, but I’d love more.

Can someone have the honesty here to step out of the warm pool of vitriol and admit that there seems to be an overwhelmingly huge love to hate ratio for not just this book, but nearly all Harlequin Presents?! The phrase, ‘protesteth too much’ comes to mind time and time again. The review and comments of this book being a classic case in point. One can’t help get the picture out of one’s head of women everywhere devouring these books and then with flushed faces and a certain frisson in their pants declaring - ‘Oh but they’re reprehensible!’, when they’re really silently saying, ‘but I love it!’. You can’t say that we don’t provide entertainment and for $4.75, at truly recessionary prices.
Yours, Abby Green
p.s. Thanks to all this publicity I expect that Ms Kendrick is going to be juddering all the way to the bank.

I didn’t think that was a real title, so I had to come look at the review. Still giggling over Mr. Sheiky Pants. And I have an urge to sing Old MacKaliq Had a Farm, with the animals in residence being the horse, vulture, chicken and lizard. However, as I have young, impressionable children in the house, I dare not sing the part “and on that farm, he had a lizard, with an orgasm here…” out loud.

Wow! Clever Sharon - she does get an awful lot of you to read here book - and advertise them!!

If I want a long profound read I’ll reach for Dostoevsky. But if I want to relax for a bit of unrepentant romantic make believe I’ll reach for Sharon any time - thanks for the introduction.

I know, late to this party.  I’m sure Kaliq is a real name, but he and his twin (mentioned in another review) are thisclose to being named Prince Ali Ababwa. Or, as Jafar prefers, Prince Abooboo.

Wow!  Awesome review.  I was laughing so hard it hurt.  It was like MST3K for romance books.  I loved it!

Ah, Bitches, where have you been all my life? I’m in lluuuurrrvv with you. Between this review and Candy’s I’m in UR ass, saving U review, I will never be the same. You have broken me, ruined me for all other reviewers, you bitches, you.  I kow-tow…

This Kalick reminded me of Peter Sellers in The Pink Panter. Very funny guy!

thank you for that review. I just laughed so hard, I’m still catching my breath. AWESOME!!!

A friend sent me this link and I have to say I have never laughed so f’ing hard in my life.
I’ll have to get this book just for the hell of it.

Who would have ever guessed that wooden dialogue would make such an entertaining sound when being hammered? Thank you, virtuouso SB Sarah :)