Sarah: Does anything say retro mantitty than some serious mullet action and neon pink hues?
And dude. They appear to be doing it. And by “doing it” I mean putting his little apache in her left kneecap.
Candy: I had NO IDEA Apaches pioneered Aquanet usage. When will white people stop ravaging the rightful heritage of Native Americans everywhere?
Sarah: The weight of that mullet must have compacted his vertebrae. How’s he going to conquer anyone with no neck?
Candy: Not only does he have no neck, his pectorals are shoved up so high, they’re nearly underneath his chin. There’s definitely some sort of spinal disorder going on.
As for the chick…dude, her face is more masculine than Fabio’s. I think that arm is hiding an Adam’s apple.
*starts bumping the tips of her two index fingers together while making poinking sounds*
Sarah: From the “Booty Call” line of Zebra romances – “his sweet savage headband caressed the wet nightgown of her passion… but could their love survive the junk in her trunk?”
Candy: Now how in the HELL is her hair flying up like that? Did she just let loose with some sweet, savage wind, too?
Sarah: You know that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, aka “A Movie Bent on Scaring the Crap out of Sarah,” where the high priest of funky religon is able to reach into the chests of living people and remove their hearts while they still beat? Yeah. That’s what’s going on here, except maybe he’s after her spleen instead.
Candy: Haahahahaha. Ohgod. It’s funny because it’s true.
Also, what’s with these women and their out-of-control levitating hair as soon as they get near water? Is there some sort of severe ionizing effect when cheap hairspray comes near a body of water that causes this phenomenon, kind of like a Van de Graaf generator?
Oh. My. God. My eyes! My eyes! It burns!!!!
LOL at the hiding the adam’s apple.
What is it about long hair anyway? Are they afraid we won’t be able to tell the difference between them if women have short hair?
Shoot! I can’t tell the difference now!
Where did you find that Apache Magic cover? It’s truly horrifying. The woman looks as if she’s in pain. And the man – wait, is that a man or a billy goat…?
For some of these covers you need to put up one of those disclaimers: Enter At Your Own Risk. Yowza.
That rogue girl looks like she’s got a serious case of butt itch—can anyone say Tucks wipes and Preparation H?
I know I can’t be the only person who thinks that Conquerer’s Kiss heroine looks like Brooke Shields…and the guy looks like Christopher Atkins. I’m just sayin’—the makers of Blue Lagoon might have some sort of lawsuit here.
Heehee! Last night, when I glanced at the covers, I thought that the “Love Rogue” cover said “Love Rookie.” That didn’t seem like a selling point to me, but I didn’t think too much about it until I looked at it again this morning. Talk about an unreadable font.
Oh man, I read that first cover as “Apache Chief”, and thanks to coincidental earlier conversations about the scope of his powers, must now faint from bad mental images. *weeps the tears of a geek*
I think the Apache Magic cover came from me, when we were talking about gems with bad art. It’s a quality book that begins and really excellent family saga of six novels set in Apache-contested Arizona in the mid-1860s thru 1890s. Good luck finding it in USBs – worth searching out, especially series’ latter titles.
Otherwise, I just can’t see Fabio now without thinking about garage sale hunting ! Must… find… used… things…
The guy from Renegade Bride looks like a soap star. Luis from Passions? Someone?
(And if you didn’t get the cover from my comment, this is a weird coincidence telling me I should go re-read that book! Avoiding any look at the cover, of course.)
Wow, neither LSATs nor birthday revels stop the SBs from their appointed rounds! I’m so impressed!
Conqueror’s Kiss looks like he’s trying to give himself a kiss on the shoulder while he wrenches her head from her neck.
All the swirly pastel colors on these covers are giving me a headache. I think I need to pour some bleach on my brain.
Oh, and my word submission? felt69 – as if anyone could feel that way after being subjected to these covers!! Thanks ladies!
Oh. My. God.
The covers and accompanying snarkage were excellent today. Totally worth the embarassment of laughing out loud in a silent campus computer room.
The girl sitting next to me looking at jobs is giving me wierd looks…time to leave and pretend to be serious student and spend some time in the library, I think.
I really hope if/when I get published they let me shoot my own cover photo. I’d hate to read such excellent snarkage about one of my books. Talk about being torn… laughing and crying at the same time… the horror.
Holy hell. That there’s some mongo scary cover action, SBs.
I’m trying to decide if Historical Hootchie in Apache Magic is willing or no. Any ideas? She looks like she’s trying to flee and got her knee caught on his immense bulging groinal unit. Nice.
The chick in Conquerer’s Kiss, she’s a MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, baby. Definitely.
Love’s Rogue…come on, no one is going to mention the completely FUBAR “Legolas Elf-Hair Gone Horribly Wrong and Mashed Down with a Headband” hairstyle? Maybe her flaming locks are floating from his expulsion of hot air when he got a whiff of her man-slaying BO. “Damn, Red, you need a BAAAAATH! Here, let me help you.”
Renegade Bride has it all. Floating hair, fringe, oddly droopy bosom, a serious lack of modesty (what’s with the hiked-up skirtage there?), and someone answer me o nthis one: what’s she sitting on?
This is too much. Much. Too. Much.
Why are all those triffids on so many of those 80s’ Zebra covers, anyhow? “Quickly, my love, we must mate to propagate the species and bring forth a seeing-eye child or humanity is doomed by alien plant life, I tell you! Dooooommmed!â€
Or were they intended to provide a handy excuse for the side effects of the savage wild winds that buffet both hair and dress? As in, “Oh no, my manly stallion of delight, that terrible smell of used nappy/rotting corpse could have never emerged from my dainty posterior. We’re playing hunt the sausage in a field of blooming titan arum.â€
Apologies if someone has explained this already. Why do the women who are otherwise dressed in outfits that suggest the story takes place in the Wild, Wild West wear splodges of lavender and/or blue eyeshadow?
Also, did anyone else notice in the last picture that though her hair is waving around in a breeze of passion, the fringe on his vest is hanging absolutely still? It’s not even jouncing around to his movements.
As near as I can tell, the guy in Apache Magic has grabbed the girl under the legso that she can’t get away. I’m also trying to figure out where she got the purple eyeshadow from.
The blond dude in Conqueror’s Kiss looks like he has a broken neck. I can’t figure out if Victor/Victoria is stoned or dead.
The girl’s hair in Love A Rogue bothers me less than the fact that she’s apparently sleepwalking into a river. Seems as though if the guy weren’t holding her up, she’d be falling into the river up to her neck.
The guy in the Renegade Bride cover is definitely Patrick Duffy as Bobby Ewing. And isn’t it interesting that despite the fact that Bobby is groping Ms. Blowin’-in-the-Wind, she definitely has her knees still together? I can just hear her. “No, Bobby, petting above the waist is okay if you really love someone, but anything below the waist will have to wait till we’re married!”
When I saw the Renegade Bride my first thought was she’d had a boob job. As if she was saying: “No, not there silly. They’re up higher now.”
🙂
In Love Rogue, I am not sure if he is holding wet tee girl out of the water or if she is perched on his love stick. What else could keep her out the water like that.
At first glance, I thought the Conqueror’s Kiss “wo”man was an elf. Turns out what I thought was a highly placed, pointy ear was actually a flower.
Or maybe disembodied labia. Same thing, symbolically speaking.
The guy from Renegade Bride looks like a soap star.
I must disagree. I don’t think any of these dudes are familiar with the concept of soap.
Conqueror’s Kiss? TOTALLY two dudes. The jaw? Those manhands? The utter lack of boobage, heaving or otherwise, in an otherwise tit-obsessed era of covers? How very forward-thinking of (is that Avon?) to publish hot man-on-man sausage-swordfighting crossdressing boinkage before everyone else got on the bandwagon. They should be proud.
However, since cross-dressed skeery dude (who also looks to be taller than the s/hero) has better legs than me, I hereby consign this cover to the 8th Circle of Hell. There may it burn forevermore, much like the afterimage upon my retinas.
And on Renegade Bride, I totally thought that was HIS bare leg until the third or forth look. I was really wondering how he got his knee to bend that way and when his arthroscopic surgery was scheduled.
The lack of movement of his vest-fringe (which, by the way, is UBER SECKSY and HAWT in the same way that draining scrotal rashes are UBER HAWT) only proves that chiquita just released a renegade fartzilla. If you look in the background, you can just see the wildlife fleeing.
You know, sometimes the Bitchery’s Snark is nearly as good as the Head Bitches’ Snark.
I love that about this site, that we’re all such a bunch of, well, bitches.
I’m with Julie. What the hell is up with that FONT?
(and what IS that font, anyway? I want to abuse, um, use it somewhere. 😉 )
I just noticed that Renegade Bride refers to “fiery kisses,” while Apache Magic, also of the Heartfire Series, refers to “searing kisses.”
If a dude’s lips are burning, that’s not love. It’s herpes.
Ok, maybe you have seen this already, but here is an actual article on MANTITTIES and how they … ahem… develop on bodybuilders!
*Covers eyes and falls*