Candy: Poor Mandy Roth. First she was stuck with the absolutely hideous Force of Ass-traction cover. And now she gets a gay angel with backfat.
Hmmm. Could be a song.
“Just call me angel of the backfat angel, Just fry some eggs before you leave me baby.”
Sarah: Backfat, a greasy mullet, and only one wing. So with all that working against him, there’s only one conclusion I can draw here: that’s not a woman. That’s a Real Doll.
Candy: Part man, part plasma ball toy, François had to tread the netherworld depths of being a were-novelty toy.
Sarah: You know the song about how you shouldn’t whiz on the electric fence? Mr. Wolfy there is demonstrating that you shouldn’t dip your schmecky in water and hump an amped-up electric guitar either. You know, just in case you thought that was a good idea.
Candy: Fucking him will not, repeat, will not feel like warm apple pie, though he looks nasty enough that I imagine it’d lead to some kind of burning sensation in your crotchal region.
Sarah: He’s an “apple pie?”
Hairy ass crack?
What a gross surprise.
Smells like poop –
and attracts black flies.
Stank Apple Pie.
Candy: Her deceit: She’s a man, baby. His deceit: He’s actually Axl Rose, and he’s out to kill her because her hair reminds him way too much of Slash.
Sarah: What do you want to bet his biker name is “Skittle Pants?” Or maybe, “Chesty Pillows?”
Sarah: You just KNOW that the original (and horribly exposed) photograph featured a wood paneling background and some exposed pipes because that dude? He lives in his momma’s basement and lures dimwitted vacant eyed women down to his pad. Or lair. With promises that they can touch his chin weenie.
Candy: Poor Dave Grohl. Resorting to romance cover model jobs was bad enough, but having to grow incredibly stupid facial hair to fit the character was probably the nadir of his—or anybody else’s—experience.
Ok – you got me with the “chin weenie” line. Dude, that thing looks scribbled on with a crayola! You know these two were on Jerry Springer at some point.
Every time I swear you bitches have shown me the worst there is, you crack open a can of “whoop-ass” and I mean that quite literally. When I saw the Apple Pie cover, I almost cried in pity for the author. Look at how he’s holding that bat – he’s not going to swing it, he’s going to ram it up somebody – maybe you for catching him trotting his naked fuzzy ass around the stadium.
Thanks for starting my morning off so asstacularly.
And WHAT is wrong with back fat? Some of us have it….were born with it, kept it during our anorexic twenties and still carry it around with—-
we still carry it around. So we are not only kind to those with it (and who add it to their turnip greens) but we’ll also sleep with them because, well…..if they’re breathing and not on Medicare its a big plus.
Hell, picky-ass women—- The first guy would be just fine after a shower—-
Second one too.
As for hairy butts, damn you chillin’ are young if you think THAT is a hairy butt on an adult male in 3# (or maybe virgin brides) 😉 Face is goofy, but the butt looks like a regular normal guy-butt (who doesn’t get manicures or use face cream).
As for #4….
ewwww.
Spaminator word Hair35—-
Yep, better a hairy man than some scrawny ass little boy with 35 hairs on his chest.
#2—I think John Travolta should sue because that really looks like Vinnie Babarino…
PS,
I’ve decided that I’m the Anti-SB.
Books y’all think are bad, I think are good.
Books y’all think are great, I think are disappointing.
Author’s y’all mock, I adore.
Guys y’all wouldn’t do I would.
OK, maybe I’m just older than dirt and don’t give a flip anymore 😉
Spaminator word—End77
Yes, my end was at it’s best in 77.
A view to shudder, more like.
After The Big Hit and the locker room scene, I have pretty high standards for butt shots.
Those nasty ass covers are so not work safe.
Yikes, that one winged angel ass is just nasty.
I didn’t think the guitar one was that bad. Give the artist some props for some photoshop skills, unlike the chin weenie cover.
Not sure I like the displays of ass crack. Although at least it’s male tushes being shown. But what’s next? Naked boobies? I don’t want to see that. Someone should tell these artists to leave something to the imagination, it’s sexier that way.
That one dude is gonna need that bat—idiot is walking naked on the ball field.
Okay the “dip your schmecky in water and hump an amped-up electric guitar” made me spew coffee all over my damned monitor. Made my day.
bah humbug
when are the covers gonna show what we REALLY want to see?
the hero’s american express numbers and their huge man swords!!
I bet the jeans on the chin-ween guy are cut off just below the picture. And frayed. And he’s looking very scared because the DEA guys are about to bust up his meth lab.
And hey, doesn’t the Apple Pie guy look like Robbie Benson?
Okay, that last one just made me laugh. Because the bad? It was just *so* bad…
I imagine the back cover to be something like “Lurlene and Larry take on the forces of hell to prove that all the love you need in life, you can find in your very own family. Sure, others feel that brothers and sisters shouldn’t be together in “that” way, but Lurlene and Larry are determined to prove them wrong. After all, if you look like Jesus on acid, the world is your playground!”
The one winged, backfat angel on the first one also seems to be holding a headless body.
Am I the only one who thinks the chick on number 4 looks like and early 90’s Alyssa Milano with a horrible poodle perm?
“gay angel with backfat”
Ignoring the wing thing going on…
OK, that’s just reality there people! Come on, as a male consumer who has consumed a fair share of males most “healthy” men with the big huge beefy muscle bods (You know the type like Samoan *boy did I moan*) have the flab in those areas.
This is not a crime, that is natural, and that, yes THAT, OH MAN THAT is one sweet ass there. Not a nasty skin problem from over steroid use in sight.
So I gotta admire the good healthy normal things and let go of the need to be overly perfect concerns about the back flab there.
I mean let’s admire the healthy ones that are made that way and point out the oblivious steroid clowns OK?
Did you have to bring up Real Dolls? That’s just ooks me out.
And to the lady in Kiss of Deceipt…really, if the man has bigger titties than you, this may be a problem.
Okay, THAT’S IT!! You just do NOT fuck around with the Marcus Schenkenberg pics people! It’s sacrilegious, dammit! And putting that poser’s head on the Schenk’s most excellent bod is just flat out heinous!
Oh, and I have a confession to make. But don’t let it get around, okay?
You know that first guy… Humpty AngelButt?
I would so do him.
BevL(QB)
Oh man, how has nobody mentioned the horrific photoshop job on the asscracktastic Apple Pie dude yet? I’ve obviously spent too much time on the internet because the very first thing I thought of when I saw that cover was “omg my hed iz pasted on yey!” He’s a bobblehead!
spam word- working44 because whoever was “working” on this cover should be slapped with a haddock.
I don’t know, I don’t mind angel boy’s back fat. Of all the choices, of all the covers so far offered for us, he’s the only one who doesn’t appear to have some sort of nasty rash.
If only they hadn’t spliced that awkward bird wing on his back like that!
I misread the first title as “A View to Kill,” which might be accurate.
Curses, Candy! I can’t get that damn song out of my head now. How did you know that is one of those tunes that just sticks in there for days and days?
“Just call me angel of the morning, baby….”
Argh.
Backfat, a greasy mullet, and only one wing.
God, it’s sad how Sephiroth has let himself go.
Actually, it’s the contrast of the muscled arms with the pudgy butt and waist that bugs me. A little pudge can be cute, but this just looks… weird.
Clearly it’s bobblehead night at the ballpark in Apple Pie. Naked, scary-eyed bobblehead night.
MamaNice beat me – I was going to say the chin weenie looks like it was drawn on with the marker tool.
Ben Affleck’s face iz pasted on yey!
There couldn’t possibly be any reason why no.4 is giving me flashbacks to Dara Joy?
Nope. Must be that backflesh causing my brain to wobble.
Sweet Jesus! A naked Ben Affleck bobblehead doll! I’ve got to get one of those to go with my Ben Affleck Daredevil bobblehead ! (Daredevil bobblehead is pictured just below the “Buddy Christ” bobblehad.)
Spamblocker word: fear41 As in—I fear that the angel in A View to a Kill is eating that poor naked woman, starting at her head!
oops—-that was supposed to be the Ben Affleck Daredevil bobblehead
The Apple Pie Guy has a head that’s as long as his hips are wide.
Oh, the humanity. Think of all the impressionable young boys who will look at this cover and think that to be hot to women, they not only have to be hairless, buff and back-fat-less, they also have to have a head twice as large as all the other guys.
The poor dears. It’s not like they don’t worry about size already.
Appropos spambeater: big46
Photoshop is so liberating. To think, people used to have to resort to safety scissors and library paste to produce cover art of this quality!
Where can a girl buy tickets to the Naked Baseball League?
Look! #5. It’s Guy Pierce’s skanky twin brother.
And I’m with BevL and Teddy Pig. I love a beefy guy and the only thing wrong with Angel Boy is the mutant wing and the greasy hair and those parts are photoshopped on anyway.
Totally doable!
Mr. Apple Pie looks like the publisher used the services of Pageant Photo Retouching.
Okay, the Slash line had me ROLLING on the floor – until someone in the comments said “bobblehead!” LOLOLOL!!!
I think that is Dave Grohl AND Taylor Hawkins.
I really try hard not to laugh when I’m here. These are my friends; their feelings are hurt. So I stop in just to hate you bitches and see how offended you can make me today. You had me at Dave Grohl. Finally got me. I hated you through the Triskelion thing (I like Gail) and countless other Entertainment Tonight episodes.
I can’t stop laughing. OMG
You’ve gone too far when you bring in Dave Grohl! I must listen to The Foo to return his proper image in my mind!
Okay bitchery,
If you dare, Google playgirl, then dailyfix, and exorcise those weeny (sorry) cover boys.
Annabella
interest 64 (oh yeah)
Well if a sumo wrestler wants to tone up, that’s o.k.
In some states you are in fact legally allowed to marry your cousin, but I’m not so sure about siblings.
His other wing broke off because when he was a sumo wrestler, well those wings just aren’t designed to handle that much weight.