The saddest three words known to us: “Lady Rhiann’s scanner.”
Sarah: That look of dawning horror on his face is due to the fact that he just realized the paddle is in his right hand. Which means it is not pressed against his hip as he originally thought. Tonight, it will be “her” flute of love that will be playing passion’s melody.
Candy: He’s holding the handle of that paddle awful tight and with intent. I can’t help but think that he has plans for that knobby end that involve him testing the depths of her, uh, love.
Sarah: A public service announcement from the lead singer of Nickelback: Your heart damn well better be made of iron if you don’t bother covering it with any protection during a joust. The more you know!
Candy: Psh! Who needs armor when you’re protected in a hard shell consisting of Aquanet, sunless tanning lotion and body spray? He might have something to worry about if somebody threw a lighted match at him, but pointy objects should bounce right off his shellacked exterior.
Sarah: Dawn of the Body Wax. Morning of the Emollient Cream. Noontime of the Overlarge Loincloth. Afternoon of the Headband. Evening of the Headbanger Hair.
Candy: Behold the dawn of a new species of man! A man of exceptional endurance and flexibility! A man who will be around for more generations than you can imagine! A man who comes fully endorsed by the Plastics Division of the American Chemistry Council! A man who meets both ANSI and ISO 9000 standards! We call him…Polyvinyl Chloride Man!
Chainmail Push-up Bra?
ISO 9000 huh? I bet it did not take long to map out his key processes.
On Ironheart, it doesn’t look so much like chain mail as a large crocheted tunic he’s wearing.
Night of the Panther man looks like he’s got on a very badly made wrap skirt more than a loin cloth… Loin skort?
I wonder if, when you lift his loincloth, he has underwear molded into his plastic body a la Ken?
#3 makes me speechless…just speechless.
#1: great way to tip a canoe.
I kind of like #2 (runs from angry bitch villagers with pitch forks). Not the red poncho though.
Sarah: Chad does NOT do romance covers. But God knows, he’s hot enough to. ((fans self))
(“Into the Night” is my current bestest song eva.)
On the shores of Gitche Gumee,
Of the shining Big-Man-Titty,
Stood Waxhischest, the IQ-challenged brave
Pointing with his oar upward,
O’er the dangly bits pointing upward,
To the purple cave of her damp love tunnel.
#3 looks like a diorama at a poorly funded museum.
Submit word: real
Not!
No comments about the little picture within the cover on #1? Is that supposed to be them in a different scene or is that second place romance taking place in the story? Either way he has forced her to break her neck by leaning in for a smooch.
#2 is just scary and #3 looks like he could be Ken as an American Indian.
And by Ken I mean a Ken Doll, psuedo-boyfriend of Barbie, not some guy named Ken.
Is it just me, or does the nipple on guy number one seem oddly out of place? Has it been that long since I’ve seen giant mantitty in person? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one pointing sideways like that.
my submit word: large36
No, I’m pretty sure he’s bigger than that….
The red poncho in #2 is Guadalajara emblazoned on it’s front. He must be a huge Ugly Betty fan.
oops meant to say missing Guadalajara – that’s what I get for trying to post and talk at the same time.
my word better15 – I will try to be better next time.
I had to post because my word is hard59. heh heh.
I always wonder if the folks in the art departments use these covers in their porfolios, or if they quietly try to forget they were forced to make these covers for a living.
#1 Clearly has a plan for that paddle handle, but based on his facial expression can’t tell if it’s going to be fun or painful.
#2 Be nice to Chad, we loves us some Nickleback…that band gets me through nasty traffic semi-sane.
#3 Panter man is decked out all manly with an 8-pac and buff arms, but the body lengths are wrong for a man. A mans waist would be longer & legs shorter. It’s man parts photoshoped on a woman’s frame.
MplsGirl…yeah, they must use pen names and live in fear that someone will discover who they really are. Awful stuff.
I’m not very nautical but I thought birch bark canoes were shallower. If he is standing up he must have incredibly short shinbones, if he is on his knees he must have very very long thighs.
Plainjane, you’re right about that nipple. It looks like a stick-on that has gotten curious about the outside world and decided to go walkabout.
As for #3, although the artwork is less than spectacular, I do find the shading on that loincloth interesting. You can see the suggestion of shady scrotum and dangling schlong in the brushwork.
Pity it’s suggesting a schlong of rather underwhelming size.
‘Night of the Panther’ must be set in the 40’s. They wore their loincloths really high-waisted back then. It was the fashion.
Looks like there’s a little tee-pee action going on in old Bad Boy Panther’s loincloth, there.
The right manboob on the guy with the paddle is seriously freaking me out. It alone makes one quarter of his body. And I have a disturbing feeling that it… pulsates. *shudder*
Oooh, my spam thing is had34. God. I WISH.
Wayward nipple man scares the bejesus out of me with that paddle.
#3 – could the loincloth be pulled up any higher? we are a small breeze away from a show.
No no no. The truly hysterical part about Panther “man” is all the directional signals that lead to…empty space: the Bad Boys copy, the index finger on the right hand, the fingers on the bizarrely swollen left hand, the pointed French maid’s apron/loincloth, the negative space between the legs, all of them direct the eye toward where the dangly bits should be. And yet, sadly, no. Unless he’s somehow tucked them into a hidden pouch in his pointy apron?
As for Ironheart, sadly he suffers from the “my left shoulder’s twice the width of my right shoulder” disease which so often afflicts Romance cover models. Must make dressing him kind of tough. Maybe that’s why their shirts are always unbuttoned?
Meanwhile, poor “Indian” maiden Donna has her eyes firmly closed, ‘cause the way that mullet-sporting loverboy is gesturing with the paddle, this is gonna hurt, even if he did promise her he’d get her a bitchin’ Camaro if she’d sneak out after the play at the girl’s summer camp and meet him at the boat dock.
Oh, man, the ISO 9000 comment got me. I’m a huge dork. I wonder if he’s also ISO 14000 certified…
Until I saw Ironheart, I didn’t know what Roger Daltrey did before the WHO. Doesn’t he look young there? Whistful sigh…..
okay, my word is served29. I mentioned in the slut post that I wasn’t able to count my slut number anymore using both hands, but I don’t think I mentioned going *that* high 😉
#1 This is why you should never get caught doing something bad, now hes gonna flog her ass with a friggen oar.
#2 Dude looks like the shitty back up in a Peter North flick.
#3 WTF? Its the last of the Freakin Mohicans!!!! Emphasis on freakin!! And I agree with Dak, lookin like teepee action (Bowchikabowow)
“Candy: He’s holding the handle of that paddle awful tight and with intent. I can’t help but think that he has plans for that knobby end that involve him testing the depths of her, uh, love.”
My thoughts exactly. 😉 And look, there’s an Inset of Love in the upper right. Bodies aren’t needed, just faces and necks, thank you.
Night of the Panther – squee, Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
I vote for Evening of the Headbanger Hair.
I’m not sure if PVC man can be ISO14000 certified. You know, those chlorine molecules are potentially contaminating in case of degradation. Must ask Regulations guy…
Or a badly made diorama normally found in a sixth grade classroom at an American public school.