There have been a lot of rumblings lately about indecency in books—depicting them on covers, excerpting them on your website, their acceptability in books. When I read Tod and Lee Goldberg’s take on Rainbow Party, I started on a long-ass rant about censorship, the importance of teaching children the difference between fiction and reality, and how kids aren’t nearly as stupid and impressionable as people think they are, then deleted it. Only to feel the rant ressurected as I read about the RWA tempest, part of which seems to be inspired by a desire to not have sexually suggestive material next to (and therefore somehow contaminate the purity of) YA novels while at book expos. Time to get this shit off my chest, methinks.
Some of you know that my parents didn’t really bother restricting what I read when I was a kid. They hid actual pornography from me, which was useless because I ferreted out my dad’s stash of Playboys by the time I was 10—and just about gagged when I saw my first glimpse of pubic hair, because goddammit, isn’t armpit hair bad enough? Now I’m going to get hair there when I grow up?
Anyway, I had access to all the bookshelves in the house, and a half-hearted effort was made to keep the spicy books on the higher shelves, but c’mon, there were CHAIRS around and nobody ever specifically told me I couldn’t read specific books or had to stay away from certain shelves (not that it would’ve done any good), so once I’d exhausted all the relatively innocuous books in the lower regions, like Agatha Christie mysteries, I explored new hunting grounds. And found a whole new world. A new, confusing world.
I’ve mentioned before that Special Gifts by Anne Stuart was the first novel with oral sex I’d ever read. I now realize that’s not true. I’m pretty positive Nine and a Half Weeks contains oral sex scenes as well, and I was 11 when I read that, three years earlier than Special Gifts. However, so much of that book whizzed right over my head; I’m sure all sorts of box-munching and cocksucking went on in that novel—I just had no idea.
And while Nine and a Half Weeks was by far the most explicit book I’d read, many other books I read at about the same age contained explicit sex scenes too. When I found out about Rainbow Party, I admit I felt a little shocked that it had been released as a YA title, but I thought back on some of the novels I was reading between the ages of 10 through 15, and I seriously doubt Rainbow Party can beat Lucky or I’ll Take Manhattan (or Nine and a Half Weeks) for sheer sweaty dirtiness. I can’t say for sure, of course, because like everyone else talking about this book, I haven’t read Rainbow Party yet, though I plan to do it soon because I’m very, very curious about how the author treats the subject matter. Stay tuned for the review, which I will definitely stick up on Amazon.com to counteract all the hysterical “NO I HAVEN’T READ IT YET BUT I HATES IT BECAUSE IT’S SO FILTHY OH THINK OF OUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN OH THE DEPRAVITY OH THE MORAL DECAY CAUSED BY THOSE HORRIBLE LIBERALS WITH THEIR SEX EDUCATION AND THEIR SECULAR HUMANISM WHOOPS CAN’T TALK ANY MORE ALL THE FOAM IN MY MOUTH MAKES IT DIFFICULT OK GOTTA GO BITE SOMEBODY NOW IN THE NAME OF JESUS K THX BYE” reviews.
And not only did my parents not bother restricting my book choices, they also didn’t bother to discuss any of my reading material with me. My mom certainly couldn’t, because she’s illiterate. And I don’t mean functionally illiterate, I mean she seriously can’t read anything except numbers. Being born a female in the late 30s to a Chinese family in the poorest neighborhood of the most crime-ridden state in Malaysia doesn’t lead to quite the high-quality education one would expect. My dad? He reads the newspapers. If he’s feeling really sassy, he’ll read Newsweek or Time Magazine. So it’s not as if we were reading these books together and discussing them, and even if we were reading the same books, my parents are old-fashioned in that They Don’t Discuss That Sort of Thing with Children, no no no.
So I read all this adult material in an almost-vacuum, with all except one of my older siblings in college or married with their own households already, and I was far too embarrassed to ask my one remaining brother any detailed questions. I would talk about some of this stuff with my best friends, but shit, they had no clue either—we came up with all sorts of wacky theories, including one I won’t even go into about what would possibly happen if you happened to accidentally drink dog pee. (Don’t ask. No, seriously. Don’t.)
So while part of me kind of wishes I had more guidance at that age, part of me is not at all sorry, and when it comes down to it, I wouldn’t change my learning process for the world. If nothing else, I learned to perform research at a very young age, plus some of the weird misconceptions I had make for some funny-ass stories.
However, lax though my parents were when it came to policing my reading material, they were very, very stringent about teaching me a few important lessons and making sure these lessons had sunk in: they taught me that fiction is not reality, and they taught me basic ethical principles. They were also very careful to keep tabs on me when I went out with friends, and set firm boundaries on what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior.
See how wacky my parents were? They cared more about what I was doing in real life than what kind of fiction I was reading. Crazy, man, crazy.
The point (or one of the points) of all this rambling is: I turned out OK. No, really, I did. I’m not saying that the way I was raised is ideal. But despite of my extensive, omnivorous and not-necessarily-appropriate-for-children reading experiences, I am not and have never been sexually promiscuous, I have never been accidentally pregnant, I have never contracted a disease, I have never cheated or been cheated on, I have never been addicted to drugs (unless chocolate counts), I have never molested any children or furry little animals, or whatever other worst-case scenario people imagine when they think of what would happen to a kid if the kid took a look at some titty or read about a guy getting a blowjob. I finished college in just over 3 years instead of the usual 4, I graduated maxima cum laude, I hold down a steady job and I am able to sustain healthy, loving relationships. Not too bad for a kid who started reading Jackie Collins at an age when the mere thought of kissing boys was gross.
I’m willing to bet that millions of other kids have sneaked peeks (and more than peeks) at books with explicit sex and/or outright pornography, and turned out all right too. I don’t think reading material is a particularly good predictor of sexual pathology or ethical integrity; I think parents, the kid’s home life and genetics have a much, much bigger influence.
Yes, teenagers can be impressionable. I also think we tend to underestimate how smart children and teens are. Yes, there will always be dumbass teenagers who watch Jackass and decide Johnny Knoxville is a hero and attempt to barbecue themselves the way he did on that one episode, except they forgot Knoxville had a fire-retardant suit on. But these are dumbasses, real Darwin Award candidates in the making. We’re not talking toddlers with no concrete concept that fire = pain, we’re talking 14-year-olds, 15-year-olds, and if by that age they haven’t figured out that jumping off a roof or laying on a hot grill is going to hurt like a motherfucker, well, I’m not sure that lesson is ever going to fully sink in. And dumbasses make up a pretty a small proportion of the population—after all, the vast majority of teenagers who watched Jackass didn’t attempt any of the stupid stunts.
Similarly, I have no doubt that some teenagers will read the smutty-smut and decide to give some of the stuff a whirl, but—and feel free to call me crazy—I’m going to bet that a lot of kids will discover all sorts of naughty things by their creative little selves. There’s a report out showing that kids who vow to stay abstinent are more likely to engage in oral and anal sex but less likely to use condoms. If necessity is the mother of invention, then teenage horniness has to be a close second.
I think this is all a REALLY long-winded way to say this: Just because you have no faith in your own kids doesn’t mean you should assume other people’s kids are as stupid, disobedient or impressionable. By all means wrap your children in a hermetically-sealed environment and fanatically police all their reading material (including what they’re looking at on the Internet) to make sure that there is nary a mention of “cocksucker” or “motherfucker” because you believe (to steal a phrase from Seanbaby) that “hearing the word ‘fuck’ is how Satan enters children’s groins.” But don’t try to restrict what other people can have access to in the process of rabidly ensuring your children’s physical and mental purity.
And honestly, what’s the big deal? A kid looks at something sexual and wants to know about blowjobs, or what an erection is, or what the word “cunt” means. Aside from the excruciating embarrassment resulting from discussing sex with your kid (an embarrassment that is very much cultural, by the way), what’s so bad about it? Isn’t this a wonderful opportunity to discuss certain issues, or at least lay the foundation for some future discussions? Wouldn’t you rather talk about this with your kids and explain some of the bigger ramifications rather than wait for them to find out for themselves when they start dating?
But then some people don’t ever want their kids to have oral sex. Like, ever. What’s up with that?
I just don’t get it, I guess.
NOTE: RWA Offensive Word Count: 10 total words in 6 out of 7 categories. The only one I missed was “cock,” although frankly, since I used variants of “cocksucker” twice, I think that should count, too.
Candy, let me nail that last one for you: I read this and stood up like a cock and said “HELL YEAH!”
I know I’ve said this before in comments and in entries: why, oh why, is violence ok but sex is taboo? Why in American can I count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen bare male ass on tv during primetime (Thank You Mr. Smits!)but couldn’t even think of the number of times I’ve seen someone “shot” or murdered in the same time period? Why is it ok to be violent, but not ok to be sexy? Why do we tolerate bloodshed but not booty calls? Oh, the indignity!
I’m a nudist; I go to nude beaches and when we go on vacation, Hubby and I pack books and gallons of sunscreen. We wear no clothes and hang out with equally naked people. It’s a wonderful experience. And no, we’re not swingers. But breasts and penises – are they really that big a deal?
Hubby and I were discussing this last week, and his theory as to why the penis is so scary is that it is a sex organ that is visible and impossible to ignore. Female sex organs are all tucked up inside and you can’t see them. Men, can’t miss it. Maybe that’s the problem.
But – and this particularly applies to the RWA – treating sex like it is something to be ashamed of, and regulating the language one can use for it, is such a slap in the face when one considers that romance novels might have been a major driving force in allowing women to celebrate and educate themselves on their own sexuality. Romance novels are defended by the RWA as fighting the idea that women’s sexuality and emotional health is not worth celebrating, and splitting hairs over what you call a penis and regulating depictions of romance on covers does little to fight the constant-criticism leveled at romance that it amounts to valueless smut.
And honestly, what’s the big deal? A kid looks at something sexual and wants to know about blowjobs, or what an erection is, or what the word “cunt†means. Aside from the excruciating embarrassment resulting from discussing sex with your kid (an embarrassment that is very much cultural, by the way), what’s the big deal?
I’m due in October, and Hubby and I have talked about whether we’ll take our child to the nude beach. Well, actually, the discussion is how much sunscreen we’ll need to bring, because we want to teach our child that human bodies are beautiful and normal and come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not saying I’ll go naked to the Burger King, but I won’t shy away from what a penis is, either.
I feel a lot better now about the fact that my 4-year-old has taken up mooning the neighbors and starts every conversation with “Have YOU seen my pee-pee?”
Brilliant, Candy. Just brilliant. I, too, read quite a bit of that smutty-smut when I was growing up, and somehow I managed to turn out okay. Funny how instead of doing a better job parenting their own children – insilling values and self-esteem that would help their kids do the right things no matter what they read – so many people are looking for some kind of easy solution and way to blame pretty much everyone else out there. If your kids are fucked up, chances are you had a hand in it somewhere, and blaming Jackie Collins just isn’t going to cut it.
And Sarah, I cannot tell you how much I agree with you. The blatant hypocrisy that those who freak out about anything sexual while Kill Bill blares out from their DVD player and their five year old watches enraptured just makes me sick. I’d much rather have my child reading (and watching) programs that show people in healthy, loving relationships (that include sex) rather than shooting each other.
Candy, I’d love to see an entire entry by you about how the problems we have discussing sex with out kids because, yeah, the idea does make me squirm. And I’d love to know how other cultures do it without the ick factor. Absolutely fascinating!
Candy, I’d love to see an entire entry by you about how the problems we have discussing sex with out kids because, yeah, the idea does make me squirm.
Personally, I LOVE the way my sister is dealing with her son. Several years back he Discovered His Penis, as young children often do. And he wouldn’t stop touching it. My sister told him not to do it in public because it made other people uncomfortable, which he had no problems complying with, but pretty soon it got kinda sore because he was messing with it too much. He came whining to her about how it was all ouchy, and all my sister said was “Well, stop rubbing it so much, then.” No shame, no condemnation, just plain old common sense advice.
One is never too young to learn about moderation.
And then because she’s a lawyer who handles a lot of cases dealing with spouse abuse and she’s active with a few women’s advocacy groups, she often has literature lying around discussing rape, sexual abuse, sexual harrassment, etc. One day my nephew started reading one of the pamphlets, then chirped up “Mummy, what is rape?”
My sister was kind of flummoxed, but decided to go with the technical definition and prayed he wouldn’t ask for a more detailed explanation: “It’s non-consensual sexual intercourse.”
My sister got lucky. He just nodded his head and didn’t ask any more. If he had, I’m pretty sure she would’ve bought some books, read them with him and discussed them together because so far that’s how she’s handled a lot of different Big Issues, from religion to death to sex.
The kid is scary smart, too. Like my sis, he started speaking in complete, grammatical sentences from a very, very young age. No baby talk for him.
Right now he’s becoming more interested in girls, and his conclusion thus far had me giggling: “Girls are so unpredictable.” From the mouths of babes….
And I’d love to know how other cultures do it without the ick factor.
My sister is, as far as I know, is not the norm for a Chinese parent. My parents’ policy was “Go ask your brother!” My mom went into agonies at the very mention of the word “period.” Go figure that they produced hussies like my sister and me.
You go girl!! I agree completely.
I too grew up in a household where my reading was unrestricted & unsupervised. I seem to be a relatively normal *ha ha ha* adult. I remember reading Mario Puzo at 11 or 12 & thinking “how can a cock be angry & purple?” LOL
I’m also a mother- two teens & a tween. We discuss it all. Even sex. Imagine that. Orgasms. Condoms. If you love me you’ll have sex with me bullshit. I guess I’ve probably corrupted their pure little souls. ‘Cuz you know- if the parent doesn’t tell them, they won’t know. Yeah & I’ve got some swampland in the Sahara to sell you.
My daughter wants to read my romances & I told her “go ahead”. She hasn’t yet & I wonder if she asked me on a dare or because she thought I’d say no or what. I suppose if the element of the ‘forbidden’ is taken away it becomes less interesting?
Either way, I’m all for giving kids more information, explicit information, correct information. Adults with their heads hidden in the sand are terrifying.
I oughta buy “Rainbow Party’ & make my older kids read it & then *heaven above* discuss it with them.
Hey, that was true in my house too! I wanted to read Lady Chatterley’s Lover when I was in high school and my parents grumbled—only because they didn’t want to buy a copy and had to write a note for the librarian so that I’d be allowed to take out a copy. My mother was an artist’s model at one point and we had drawings of her nakey butt up on a wall.
So okay. I’m an old broad with old siblings and here are some cool statistics about a liberal family. My parents were married for 55 years before my father died.
Five of the six of us kids are married. (The sixth is single.) We’re all married to our first spouses and here are the years of marriage: (keeping in mind we all married before age 25) 33 years, 32 years, 30 years, 20 years (that’s me, tomorrow) and 10 years.
All products of a household that encouraged us to read whatever the hell we wanted, to say and think what we wanted (in a polite manner)…Not a single divorce.
No arrests (actually I think my brother got arrested protesting the war. He and his wife met working for the Vietnam Moritorium) no substance abuse. In other words a boring middle-class crowd. Take that, mind controllers.
Oh thank you thank you for writing this. Seriously. I live in Texas, and while I generally like it here, it really hacks me off when people hate others in the name of God or Jesus. I grew up in a pretty conservative church, went to church camp, the whole bit. My mom was generally honest with me about sex, and got even more so when I was a teenager. I would read “dirty” novels then feel like a horrible slut and that I must be going to hell and what was happening in there was wrong wrong wrong. I don’t think this came from my parents nearly as much as it came from my church and me. My church that basically made me scared to death of sex, especially before marriage. I saw a hilarious SNL skit the other day that rang all too true, about a couple of abstainers, and the guy was like “If it feels good, she won’t let me do it.” That was pretty much how I was with my first bf.
Then I went off to college, and I guess I started to think for myself, and stopped going to church. And now the religious right is trying to take over America, and our president is, well, don’t get me started. The irony is that the good girls are always the ones that get in trouble. In high school, there was a 15-year old girl who wrote Bible verses on her folders-she got pregnant. There are people who don’t believe in separation of church and state, who think everyone should believe in Jesus or they will go straight to hell. I basically used to believe that. Now, I’m not sure what I believe, except it’s not that. And my mom is getting married next month in a church, a pretty conservative one, and I’m sincerely hoping the pastor won’t start lecturing on how the sanctity of marriage means not letting gay people do it.
Anyway, I’ve gone off track. But I really really agree with you. You said it very well. I am sometimes afraid for this country, but have to believe eventually the balance will shift back.
And oh, one of the clases I’m taking this fall? Love and Lust in the Short Novel. Heck yeah.
Oh, another wonderful, absolutely perfect rant!
Every time I hear about censorship of books to “protect the innocent children,” it makes me crazy. Protect them by instilling them with the ability to discriminate for themselves, and then trust them to know as you say what is real and what is not. How about taking that as a personal responsibility, eh, parents?
Oh and killing and violence is okay for kids to see (even the so-called cartoon version), while the natural function of sex is not? *rolls eyes*
Thanks again for saying it so well.
So here’s my question: how many of these folks who are producing all the O.C.‘s and blow-em-up shows and movies and Britney Spears concerts are also stumping for virginity pledges, abstinence-only education, the evils of condoms (which federally funded abstinence education programs must proclaim—not one positive word about condoms can be uttered), and date-with-the devil propoganda against sex ed? On the one hand, kids feel pressure to grow up so fast that girls’ periods are actually starting earlier on average, and society can’t sell anything if it’s not oozing sexuality and/or violence. But when it comes to actual *sex*—one of the most natural aspects of growing into adulthood—Americans crash forth with a mixed message of shame, fear, the lure of the forbidden, the power of titillation, and as little real, honest, non-judgemental conversation as possible. As for those kids that take virgininity or abstinence pledges, that same study showed that their STD rates are just as high as the general population, because they’re told not to have sex and also told that condoms are bad and don’t work. Hasn’t anyone figured out that maybe the problem isn’t too much information, but not enough?
Missy and I wholeheartedly agree. Mixed messages fuck kids up, not sex and not anything else. To assume that a kid (I was eight when I started reading romances, and a bit younger than that when I began sneaking glances at nakey pics (my parents tried, but…alas. I was sneaky)) is going to become promiscuous, have loose morals (whatever the hell those are) or have any kind of innocence shattered by reading books with sex in them, or with sex depicted visually is just fucking retarded.
My parents gave me guidance where it mattered; they helped instill core values, and taught me to think and reason for myself—and reading a romance novel (or any novel with violence, sex, bestiality, incest, corn-dildoing, whatever) wasn’t going to change those values unless I *chose* to change them.
I remember high school, and I can honestly say that although I was still a virgin, I had a more knowledgeable and more mature approach to sex than the girls around me who’d actually done it, but whose parents had sheltered them from it their entire lives.
MISSY: Yeah!
The child who’s exposed to things early, such as nudity and sexuality, likely has a better sense of self worth and a better grip on future relationships.
here’s my analogy:
A child who’s reading is not censored, who’s allowed, without pomp and circumstance, to watch R rated movies, is like a child who’s allowed to play outdoors at the park everyday. She learns certain boundaries—(parallel to this is acceptable, this is NOT. And what is normal feelings—i.e. why is my body responding like this?)
In addition, her skin tans from days in the sun, and even adjusts to the wind on her face.—She becomes used to these things. Women’s breasts? Big deal, seen em a million times. Kissing? Yeah, adults do it. Sure, she’s curious—she’ll go digging in the sand or take a flying leap off the swings, but that’s a normal part of the learning curve. Chances are, before she takes that leap, she’ll have seen others do it and have a clue what NOT to do.
On the other hand, here’s a skinny, pale, frail child who’s been protected from that bad, mean place called a playground. He never could play there cuz sometimes bad men lurk in the woods. He could slip on the slide or fall off a swing and get hurt, so he was never allowed to play.
Okay, so little Billy never gotta bruise or bump or scar, but can you imagine what it’s gonna be like when he hits the age when his parents let him loose? or he sneaks out to the playground? He’ll have no concept of what to do or not to do. He might eat dirt, walk in front of a swing, or be lured into the woods by a stranger with candy. He’ll want to do it all because it was so taboo for so long.
I think it’s all a case of forbidden fruit.
~Mel, who’s rewritten this post about 6 times and hopes it makes a bit of sense. This is definitely a subject I get a bit passionate about.
Wow. That was well-written and made me smile and say, “Rock on” several times. You’ve all said it much better than I could but I wanted to de-lurk to say how nice it was to read that.
“~Mel, who’s rewritten this post about 6 times and hopes it makes a bit of sense. This is definitely a subject I get a bit passionate about.”
No kidding. I just re-read my post and was horrified at all my spelling mistakes (hello, Robin, judgmental does not have an “e” in it! And it’s propaganda, dummy!). At least you proofread, and yes, your comments make sense.
How much longer, I wonder, are we going to pass on our societal sexual neuroses to our kids? I mean, not even the Puritans were this bad (the Euro-American Puritans of yore, that is).
the evils of condoms (which federally funded abstinence education programs must proclaim—not one positive word about condoms can be uttered)
You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Please tell me this isn’t so.
And if it is, then I have one word for you all:
Emigrate.
(Or vote. And write to all your politicians expressing your outrage and demanding a change in the legislation.)
(Umm.. give69 is the security thingo I have to type in for this post. Hmmm… maybe I’d better go and find DH.)
Kate: Happy Anniversary!
And Bron, oh, if it were that simple. One of the balms to my angry soul at how abstinance is preached as the solution to sexual diseases and teen pregnancy is the idea that I can teach my kids whatever the damn hell I want – and I can make sure they understand what is what. However, the flip side is that ignorant, fearful, rigidly adherent people can just as equally teach their kids whatever they want, including that sex is bad – without really sharing the specifics of what it is.
My husband’s parents are hippies – they were actually at Woodstock (although my father in law says if you can remember enough to tell stories about it, you weren’t really there) – and they raised three of the most amazing children: self-confident, self-aware, and proud people. I gripe about them but I hope I can emulate the strengths of their parenting style.
That being said, re: the incidences of extremely observant Christian young people getting pregnant – I wonder if it’s because their parents and adult parental figures don’t share the real specifics of sex. And given the sexual prowess of the average male teen (read:none) I wonder how many of them get into it and think, “Wait, this is it? THIS is what’s so bad?”
And oh – one more thing. Anyone see the news articles about the sexual activities of teens who are “saving themselves for marriage?” I can’t pull them up now, since IT would have a fit, but basically, if it ain’t vaginal intercourse, they’re doing it. Because you’re still a virgin on your wedding night even if you’ve gone down the chocolate highway once a week. HA!
” the evils of condoms (which federally funded abstinence education programs must proclaim—not one positive word about condoms can be uttered)
You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Please tell me this isn’t so.
And if it is, then I have one word for you all:
Emigrate.”
Not. Kidding. Here’s a link to a 60 Minutes story on the virginity pledges and the study Candy referenced. Besides all sorts of issues related to morality-based legislation, what concerns me is the fact that many, many kids get whatever sex education they have (especially when parents won’t or don’t talk about “that stuff” with their kids) from school and other publicly funded programs.
60 Minutes Story
See, what I don’t get is WHY people have to associate sex ed with advocation. Why not just make it very clinical? “This is tab A. Insert in slot B. Oh, and here’s a list of birth control methods with their rates of success.” No good, no bad, just the facts. I seem to remember being taught something similar in Malaysia during biology class, but this may very well be a false memory.
Sooks, if you’re reading this—d’you remember if we learned about basic birth control methods in biology class in Form 4? Or am I confusing Planned Parenthood with Sri Aman in my premature senility?
“See, what I don’t get is WHY people have to associate sex ed with advocation. Why not just make it very clinical? “This is tab A. Insert in slot B. Oh, and here’s a list of birth control methods with their rates of success.†No good, no bad, just the facts.”
Because in sex education, like education in general, we’re (generically used pronoun here) far more concerned with *what* our kids think, than with whether they *do* or *can* think (especialy if it’s “for themselves”). Frankly, I think if we worried more about the latter, we’d have to worry far, far less about the former.
Oh and thanks for fixing my URL link—I didn’t know how to do it within my message.
My mother was very openminded about it. She told me pretty much that sex was this, and I shouldn’t do it until I was ready…but if I did, I should come to her beforehand so we could get me some protection. Turns out by the time I was ready, I was over eighteen and didn’t need her permission.
And from what that article said, the Abstinence Pledge didn’t stop them from having sexual contact, just gave them more incentive to lie about it and not use protection. Kids are going to boink if they want to. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have them being smart about it?
Why is it so hard for people to assume that their kids are possibly intelligent people who might just understand what’s going on if they have decent facts, and are properly taught?
My example: My then three-year-old wanted to play in the road. I kept telling her not to, yanking her back, etc. I finally sat her down and explained in detail that the cars could hit her, that she could get hurt very badly or even die.
When she asked me what die meant, I told her that it would get very dark and she wouldn’t see any of us again. Ok, I’m not existential, but it’s a hard question.
She thought it over, and nodded. Since then, no more attempts to play in the road. Now, if a three-year-old is capable of taking information and making the right decision, shouldn’t a fifteen-year-old?
No wonder teenagers are so angsty. Everyone thinks they’re stupid. I get angsty too when I’m treated that way.
God, I just read the 60 Minutes article and got goose-bumps of horror. The idea that someone in my kids’ schools might in fact convince my kids that condoms don’t work makes me furious. I plan to teach my kids that sex is for older people (older as in mature) who are ready and that it’s a big step that they should consider very carefully. I also plan to give them the self-respect and the self-esteem to resist pressure so they can make their own decisions.
Plus, I’m going to tell them that when they decide to have sex, I expect them to protect themselves and their partners. Heck, I’ll even buy them the condoms if it means the difference between them using them or going without.
I have to say I bought Rainbow Party yesterday. Honestly, as a parent I feel like reading that book is an obligation. Stuff like this didn’t happen when I was in school, so if I don’t find out about it somewhere, how can I help my kids be strong or make good decisions?
I went to high school with a girl whose father was in law enforcement and also very religious. She wasn’t allowed to do anything – not date, not go to dances or parties. So what happened when she went off to college and finally experienced freedom for the first time? She went absolutely wild. Had no idea about limits or how to control herself. Man, it’s so good her father protected her the way he did.
And about all of those kids taking these abstinence pledges. I admire the intent behind the idea, but I’m not so sure I agree with the sex only within the confines of marriage maxim. Marriage is so very difficult, but to add to it the pressure of your spouse being your one and only sexual experience is a lot. Guess I’m of the mind that sowing a few oats (in a responsible way) is a healthy thing to do and makes you a richer person, something that could benefit your marriage.
Yeah, I’m one of those hippie moms, I guess. Sorry about the rambly post.
‘So what happened when she went off to college and finally experienced freedom for the first time? She went absolutely wild. Had no idea about limits or how to control herself. Man, it’s so good her father protected her the way he did.’
This is SO true. My mother was very lenient with me, respected my intelligence. Her rule? Tell me where you are. If you go somewhere else, call me. And if you get in trouble, you’ll have to get yourself out of it, so watch what you do. I didn’t get in trouble, though I did some minor league misbehaving.
The biggest tramp in our school was the daughter of an uptight type. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV, wear skimpy clothes, date, etc. She sure snuck out plenty of times, and every dance, she was under the bleachers with somebody.
Re: Rainbow Party – I will say, the thought of 14-and-15 year olds having a BJ orgy brings up my Ick Factor.
But from the blurb, it appears that they show the consequences of such indisciminate behavior, which may be the true intention of the story, rather than only to entertain.
Yup, that’s the impression I got, too. I’m really curious to see how the author pulls it off. I just ordered the book from Amazon and plan to read it soon and hopefully post a review that’s actually, you know, INFORMED and shit.
‘I’m really curious to see how the author pulls it off.’
Yes, exactly. A lot has to do with how the author handles it. If it’s obvious that it’s written to titillate rather than teach, well…
Vera,
There was a great MTV ad a while back. It was a very simple line drawing of a woman and guy sitting on a couch, watching TV. It’s hard to tell at first what the relationship is, but you get the feeling right away that she’s older and possibly his mother. Sounds of violence come from the TV we can’t see, and the two just sit there with no change in expression. The violence stops and the making out sounds begin. The older woman (now obviously his mother) covers the boy’s eyes. fade to MTV logo.
I was laughing and cheering at the same time. Yes, at an MTV ad.